It takes a con artist to know a con artist. At least that's how
I interpret this e-mail I recently received. It seems to be a new version of
the Nigerian phishing e-mail that promises you millions, if you will show good
faith by sending some money to them.
This scam, however, is a little different. It involves . . . well,
read it yourself.
Dear Honorable Madam and/or Sir,
Many honors to you and good luck in the future tense. Here at
the Department of the Secure Homeland we have selected your e-mail for this
wonderful opportunity involving career riches, beautiful men and women, poker
parties and power.
Many in our great country greatly respect Department of Securing
Homeland Security workers and put them on TV. Jack Bauer is one of these
workers. We see him every day and many of us know him and enjoy his stories of
manliness for hours on end. He is the type we seek, whether man or woman. Do
you want him to live a life like yours? He could if you come to work here for
us. He only needs to work 24 hours and then gets much time off and makes lots
This is a good place to come to work to because many VIPs like
to hear his stories of his manly adventures securing Homeland security and they
want to hear yours, too. They recently had a wonderful luncheon honoring him,
and many of his fans were there including Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas
and Rush Limbaugh. Many think-tank people gave up thinking for the day and came
That is why we are writing you to see if you want to work here
in the future tense and enjoy many long lunches. We believe you belong here. As
you may have read in the newspapers or heard on TV or radio, many of our highly
trained managers have moved on. They have left their offices workerless. They
now work for private companies that contract with the Department of Securing
the Homeland. Because they worked here and know many of us who are still here,
they can make big amounts of money taking us out to lunch and selling us their
services. That could be you. We believe you have what we need and could be
another Jack Bauer.
But we can offer you this exciting opportunity only if you
promise to stay here for 10 days. If we hire you, you must start at the bottom
and work up. But we can guarantee you that you only need to be here 10 days.
Those 10 days will be filled with long lunches talking about your exciting
future with former workers who moved on. Then you too can move on to private
contracting companies when you have made many contacts, and riches are yours.
Because we think you are like Jack Bauer and his colleagues, we
will expedite your job application to this exciting new career that can lead to
many riches. But we need your Social Security Number and all bank account
information, including your PIN. That way, we can contact important people to
give you good references and make sure you are as honorable and courageous a
person as we know you are. Once we have that, you will be hired here and after
only 10 days will have that much needed experience so you can move into the
world of private corporations that sell us all the much-needed equipment we
need to secure Homeland security.
We are sharing this with you and only a few others who also
deserve a better life in the future tense. You must act soon or all the good
desks will already have many workers at them, except when they move on to even
better jobs with long and big lunches. This could be you.
So you don't forget, send your social security number and bank
account number and PIN today, right now. Much happiness and poker and many
lunches are waiting for you.
Many thanks for your good work here in the future tense.
Frank Fuller is a freelance
writer in Minnesota who wrote, with co-author Susan Fuller, �Department of
Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual.� More information on it
is available at www.homelanddecency.com.