The Lighter Side
New version of Nigerian phishing e-mail scam promises jobs, riches, poker and great lunches
By Frank Fuller
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Jul 6, 2006, 00:54

It takes a con artist to know a con artist. At least that's how I interpret this e-mail I recently received. It seems to be a new version of the Nigerian phishing e-mail that promises you millions, if you will show good faith by sending some money to them.

This scam, however, is a little different. It involves . . . well, read it yourself.

Dear Honorable Madam and/or Sir,

Many honors to you and good luck in the future tense. Here at the Department of the Secure Homeland we have selected your e-mail for this wonderful opportunity involving career riches, beautiful men and women, poker parties and power.

Many in our great country greatly respect Department of Securing Homeland Security workers and put them on TV. Jack Bauer is one of these workers. We see him every day and many of us know him and enjoy his stories of manliness for hours on end. He is the type we seek, whether man or woman. Do you want him to live a life like yours? He could if you come to work here for us. He only needs to work 24 hours and then gets much time off and makes lots of money.

This is a good place to come to work to because many VIPs like to hear his stories of his manly adventures securing Homeland security and they want to hear yours, too. They recently had a wonderful luncheon honoring him, and many of his fans were there including Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and Rush Limbaugh. Many think-tank people gave up thinking for the day and came as well.

That is why we are writing you to see if you want to work here in the future tense and enjoy many long lunches. We believe you belong here. As you may have read in the newspapers or heard on TV or radio, many of our highly trained managers have moved on. They have left their offices workerless. They now work for private companies that contract with the Department of Securing the Homeland. Because they worked here and know many of us who are still here, they can make big amounts of money taking us out to lunch and selling us their services. That could be you. We believe you have what we need and could be another Jack Bauer.

But we can offer you this exciting opportunity only if you promise to stay here for 10 days. If we hire you, you must start at the bottom and work up. But we can guarantee you that you only need to be here 10 days. Those 10 days will be filled with long lunches talking about your exciting future with former workers who moved on. Then you too can move on to private contracting companies when you have made many contacts, and riches are yours.

Because we think you are like Jack Bauer and his colleagues, we will expedite your job application to this exciting new career that can lead to many riches. But we need your Social Security Number and all bank account information, including your PIN. That way, we can contact important people to give you good references and make sure you are as honorable and courageous a person as we know you are. Once we have that, you will be hired here and after only 10 days will have that much needed experience so you can move into the world of private corporations that sell us all the much-needed equipment we need to secure Homeland security.

We are sharing this with you and only a few others who also deserve a better life in the future tense. You must act soon or all the good desks will already have many workers at them, except when they move on to even better jobs with long and big lunches. This could be you.

So you don't forget, send your social security number and bank account number and PIN today, right now. Much happiness and poker and many lunches are waiting for you.

Many thanks for your good work here in the future tense.

Best wishes.

Frank Fuller is a freelance writer in Minnesota who wrote, with co-author Susan Fuller, �Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual.� More information on it is available at

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