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The Lighter Side Last Updated: Dec 5th, 2007 - 00:34:12

What if we had a White House press conference that wasn�t a scam (questions i am dying to ask the commander guy)
By Jack Balkwill
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Dec 5, 2007, 00:32

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The following are questions I asked The Decider at the White House Press Conference. Or was it just a dream?

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Is there anyone in the corporate media not on the White House payroll, and if so, how do you explain the nightly news?

What were you smoking when Jesus asked you to invade Iraq and where might I find a sample?

Did you ever worry you might be next after you found out Laura killed her old boyfriend in Texas?

With your brain, Karl Rove, now gone, how do you think, or do you?

Your plan to devalue the dollar to dirt-cheap status so that American products go like hotcakes is working well, at least the devaluation part, but what happens when your shrewd trade guys find out that, since globalization, we no longer make anything and we all wind up just spending cheaper dollars for more expensive Chinese stuff?

Was the Katrina/New Orleans affair the culmination of Republican libertarian achievements, or do you plan to further privatize and downsize government for even wilder catastrophic effects?

If you really are against torture, as you say, why do you keep doing the Saturday radio programs?

When your spokesman, Ari Fleischer, said the Cuban people should be free to speak however they want, and on another occasion that Americans should watch what they say, was Ari hanging with you in the White House bong room?

Should Dick Cheney keep all those Halliburton (by way of the taxpayers) checks that he gets, for himself? Have you considered labeling him �enemy combatant� and sending him to Gitmo or Abu Ghraib so that you might get your hands on them? Can I get a cut for the idea?

Is the reason you didn�t follow up with �I did not have sex with that woman� after Condoleezza referred to you as �my husband,� is that you are afraid this is the one thing which leads to impeachment, since, obviously, everything else is ignored by Congress?

While we�re on the subject, have you ever thought of looking up Monica Lewinsky? Okay, that was a trick question, but friends insisted I encourage you. She likes presidents, so you have a good shot there.

Have you thanked corporate media for that �fiscal conservative� label they constantly echo as you run up the jumbo record deficits? Do you think any corporate reporters know about the scam?

Back in your previous coke snorting days widely blabbed by old Texas party pals, did you ever use the �I choked on a pretzel and fell down� excuse when explaining bruises on your face the next day, as you do now?

Who got rid of all those photos on the Internet, just after the Enron scandal broke, of you campaigning in the Enron jet? Damn that was fast, none of us could find one, when there had been thousands the day before.

I know we�re not allowed to know where the tax dollars go, national security and all that, but is anything in your administration not a secret, and if so, could we find out about it in our open and free democracy?

After the Taliban said they would give you Osama if you showed them evidence he did 9/11, did you ever come up with an excuse for why you didn�t show them evidence, just in case somebody from the corporate media ever asked why you killed all those people? (not that they would actually ask, heh).

Should we all sleep well at night knowing the Justice Department, the highest law enforcement office in the land, is currently run entirely by partisan attorneys who were not fired because they went along with dirty tricks against those who do not toe a hard Republican line?

Give us the truth about Jeff Gannon, the male prostitute who stayed many, many nights in the White House when not setting you up with softballs at the press conferences. Was Gannon behind Cheney�s �undisclosed locations� alibi?

And what color shorts does Gannon wear? Okay, that was a trick question.

Give us the facts now, on those tons of hundred dollar bills taken to Iraq and then mysteriously lost. Does Dick Cheney have it all in his undisclosed location, or did Halliburton get half?

Do you really think you are supporting the troops by sending them to a land where they are hated and people want to kill them, or do you think we should change the defense appropriation request jingles from �support the troops� to �screw the damn troops�?

What the hell did you do to Nancy Pelosi to get impeachment off the table? Give us a hint-- are a certain boozed-up �Deadeye� Dick Cheney and a bird rifle involved?

When you overthrew democracy in Haiti, do you believe anybody in the corporate �news� media noticed a conflict with your war on terror �spreading democracy� theme?

Do you think the children of the working poor, who go without health care, believe it�s true that you are leaving no child behind?

How many people do you think are now convinced that the terrorists will have won if we don�t give more tax cuts to the rich?

How do you explain the new nuclear warheads you are making to add to an arsenal of thousands, as you demand that other countries can�t even have one and draw up plans to nuke them if you imagine, as in Iraq, they have weapons of mass destruction?

Is it true you plan to throw your hat in the ring for next year�s presidential election based on the fact that you haven�t yet been elected, since the 5-4 vote by the Supreme Court to not count votes in Florida and the 2004 Diebold machine fiasco in Ohio obviously can�t count, so you have two terms coming?

As the number one killer of human beings in the twenty first century, do you still describe yourself as �pro-life?� or do you prefer to boast �I haven�t lost a stem cell yet�?

Would catching Osama Bin Laden blow the whole war on terrorism scam? I mean, could you really keep giving hundreds of billions to your Nuclear Mafia backers without the poster boy? And is the rumor true that Osama is hiding in the Lincoln bedroom with a cut of the Halliburton money?

Which spyware causes my computer to run so slowly -- the FBI trojan, NSA keylogger or Homeland Security worm? And why do we call it the Land of the Free again? I keep getting confused, sir.

Tell the truth now, when you tried to overthrow Chavez in that coup, did you put �heck of a job� Brownie in charge?

Do you always get stoned before making a speech? Have you ever thought of laying off, say, a couple hits to see if you might be able to pronounce simple words like �nuclear�?

You keep saying the Iraq surge was successful. Are you willing to walk down the main streets of Baghdad unescorted to prove to us that the surge actually worked, as you say it did? Please.

Jack Balkwill does the web site Liberty Underground of Virginia (LUV) and has written for publications as varied as the little-read English Honor Society�s Rectangle to the millions of readers of USA Today. He can be reached at

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