Online Journal
Front Page 
 Special Reports
 News Media
 Elections & Voting
 Social Security
 Editors' Blog
 Reclaiming America
 The Splendid Failure of Occupation
 The Lighter Side
 The Mailbag
 Online Journal Stores
 Official Merchandise
 Join Mailing List

The Lighter Side Last Updated: Jan 4th, 2007 - 01:08:31

Ask the HMO Physician
By Frank Fuller
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Nov 17, 2005, 19:57

Email this article
 Printer friendly page

Dear Dr. Bill, Whenever I think of your family company HCA and its stock, I hyperventilate. Sometimes I get faint. I bet lots of stockholders do, too. We're all left holding the bag while you and your family got out. Last time I thought about it, I hyperventilated so hard I fell over and broke my arm. My HMO won't pay for any treatment because it says I caused it by thinking about things I shouldn't think about, and if they paid for me they'd have to pay for everyone who made bad choices. The told me to watch Good Morning America more often or think about Jlo when I'm feeling a little anxious. What should I do? Sincerely, Broken in Boise

Dear Broken in Boise, We all have to make choices in life and I'm sorry you chose to think about HCA stock. But just so you know, I put all my stocks in a blind trust when I became a Senator and never knew what was in it. I even had to hire someone to manage it. Maybe you should hire someone to manage your holdings. I can say that it has done wonders for my portfolio. I never was able to make a buck in the stock market until I got in the Senate and then got someone to manage my holdings. You should try it. If you want his name, I'll send it to you. I'm sorry about your problems, but hyperventilation is not my area of expertise. I know a lot about transplanting, though. If you need a lung someday, look me up. Until then, good luck! And look into hiring someone to watch over your investments!

Dear HMO Doctor, You guys came up with a real gem with this Medicare package, didn't you? I can't make heads or tails of it. Can you tell me what Medicare plan I should sign up for? I'm taking medications for arthritis, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, glaucoma, adult attention deficit disorder, depression, anxiety, Parkinson's, allergies, and eczema. And I can't make sense of what you put together. Do you have any ideas? What are you going to do when you turn 65? Do you plan on signing up for something? Or did you get enough from the sale of HCA to not have to worry about Medicare? Sincerely, Mom

Dear Mom, I didn't know you were taking so many pills. Are you feeling okay? Sorry I haven't called, but as you know, leading the Senate in these troubled times requires all my attentions. Everything is falling apart and if that wasn't bad enough, everyone thinks we screwed up this Medicare drug benefit. You know I wouldn't do that because the last thing in the world I want is a bunch of 75-year-olds protesting outside my office. The press would jump all over that! So I don't know what to tell you. I'd say just sign up for something. And keep your fingers crossed. That's what I'm doing, what with SEC and Iraq and the Democrats going crazy and everything else. So good luck! And let me know how it turns out!

Dear Dr. Bill, I get dizzy all the time now and my HMO won't pay for anything. I get dizzy because I�m so disgusted with all this corruption in Washington. Sometimes I think about these things and it feels like my head is going to explode. You�re being investigated. Tom DeLay and Scooter Libby have been indicted. The president and vice president are both liars. Journalists cozy up to the powerful and lie to the rest of us. FEMA, until last week, was still paying Michael Brown. We're torturing innocent Iraqis. And we keep giving money to Halliburton who keeps stealing from us. Did you see what their stock is at now? Did you buy any of it when it was really low because you knew it would get all these contracts and not have anyone checking on it? I shouldn't think about this. I'm getting dizzy now. I think you guys should pay for my drug bills. You're the cause of it all. Sincerely, SEC in NYC

Dear SEC in NYC, I really don�t know what is in my blind trust, in spite of what the newspapers say. It�s a blind trust, and that means I can�t see it. The Senate makes sure that's how these things work. I wish people understood that. Then they wouldn't think I'm a liar and a cheat and the SEC could go after some real criminals. Did you read about all those people who are pretending to be victims of Hurricane Katrina so they can scam a few thousand dollars from FEMA? I am outraged! They're taking advantage of the poor and defenseless! I think we should lock them up for 20 years and throw away the key. That�ll teach them. So good luck. I hope that answers your question!

Dear Dr. Frist, I don't know why people don't like you anymore. You are hard working and just want to make sure the health care system is there for generations to come. I find that admirable! So keep up the good work and good luck with the SEC. Sincerely, Sen. in D.C.

P.S. I'd like to help you out more, but folks back home wouldn't understand. If it weren't for them, I could do so much for you right now!

Dear Senator in D.C., Thank you for your encouraging words. If it can happen to me, it can happen to any of us. That's what's so depressing about this -- more good people will get hurt! It's good for you to keep your distance right now. I know I'd keep my distance if our positions were reversed. I still don't know what I allegedly did. I mean, I just followed the rules and did what everyone else here does. You probably do it, too. Why take this job if you can't make a little money? Start taking these perks away and no one but idiots would run for the Senate! And is that what people want? Idiots running the country? So thanks again. And good luck next year in the elections!

Frank Fuller is a freelance writer in Minnesota whose humor can be read at

Copyright © 1998-2007 Online Journal
Email Online Journal Editor

Top of Page

The Lighter Side
Latest Headlines
The irreverent frogs
Ginni and Clarence at home
Why it takes so many Mossad agents to kill a Palestinian with a pillow
Bulletin from the Institute of Future History: ExxonMobil and Citigroup to run for president
The State of the Corporate Union
My country �tis of thee -- Corporatocracy! Of thee I sing
New loan promises to save USA, global capital
Mocha Revolution in New York!
Bulletins from Konsciousness Kontrol
The real criminals
Just say no (to medical marijuana in NH): An open letter to Gov. Lynch
What to do with 1,200 pounds of bull and other handy lessons from Women�s History
The beeper cacophony
Skoda: Car of the ordinary citizen
Christian settlers expel Jews from Holy Land
Nation rearing the old fashion way
The holiday formerly known as Thanksgiving
What�s in a middle name?
Sarah Palin wins debate -- by darn
Meditation upon a broomstick (an allusion to Jonathan Swift)