administration�s latest reason to stay the course in Iraq is, �If we leave they
will follow us home.� The president has repeated this in every speech or
interview for the past week or so. Some of the Republican candidates are
parroting the line, as well.
Does this mean that
instead of eliminating WMD, hunting for Osama Bin Laden, liberating the Iraqi
people, spreading democracy or honoring their fallen comrades, our troops are
now in Iraq as a diversionary tactic? I had to find out.
As you know I have
a special connection with the president. He thinks I�m a
fellow member of Skull and Bones. (Now, don�t tell anyone. It�s a SECRET
society.) So, he takes my calls.
J: Mr. President,
thank you for taking my call.
W: Glad to, Jacko.
Anything for a Skull and Boner. Heh. Heh. Heh. Boner.
J: Sir, you�ve been
saying lately that the terrorists would follow us home if we withdraw from
Iraq. Do you mean like a stalker or more like a puppy?
W: No, it�s more
like DiNiro in that Cape Fear movie. They could strap themselves under some of
our tanks on the way home. Then at night they�d crawl out from under the
houseboat and try to rape our wives and poison our dog. Well, not on my watch!
I won�t let them follow us to Cape Fear because that�s where we live! And we�ll
continue to live in Fear as long as I�m in power. I�ll never let the terrorists
J: Mr. President,
do you mean that the only thing preventing some sort of terrorist �invasion� is
that they simply can�t find the USA?
W: That�s right.
See the terrorist are evil. Really evil. And smart. Evil geniuses. You must
fear them and give up any semblance of your civil rights or liberties. But the
terrorists have a weakness. They have trouble reading maps. That�s their
weakness. They�re not great map readers. So one prong in our pronged strategy
in The War on Terror is to keep the evildoers from finding us. Bringing our
troops home will only guide the terrorists here.
J: I see, sir.
W: Oh, we�ve got
other prongs, too. Like when we torture people, we pack �em up and fly them to
lots of other countries all over the place.
W: Thanks, I think
it�s pretty extraordinary myself. See, flying them all over the place keeps the
terrorists guessing. We keep �em moving. �Are they in Syria?� �The Americans
took me to Turkey or was it Poland?� �Is this Sri Lanka?� �They waterboarded me
in Libya and all I got was this t-shirt.� They�re not really sure where to find
us. We confuse them. Keep them confused. Did you ever play Pin the Tail on the
J: Excuse me, Mr.
W: You blindfold a
kid and spin him around and around and around and then he tries to pin a little
paper tail on a donkey�s ass. But the kid�s so confused that he never hits the
mark! Heh. Heh. It�s like the blindfolded kid is the terrorist and the USA is
the donkey. And the terrorists want to pin the tail on me. But we keep the
terrorists confused in Guantanamo and we confuse them by flying them all over
the place. And we confuse them more with all our troops stationed in Iraq, and
they can�t find us. They never pin the tail on the right spot.
J: The ass.
J: But, sir, the
terrorists didn�t seem to have a problem finding our country on 9/11.
W: No, that was al
Qaeda. We�re talking about Iraq now. Iraq has nothing to do with al Qaeda,
J: Of course not.
Are you concerned that someday some terrorists might, well, find the United
W: That�s where the
next prong of our strategy kicks in. We�ve awarded a $950 billion no-bid
contract to Halliburton to develop the NIS.
J: NIS, Mr.
W: The National
Invisibility Shield. They can�t hit what they can�t see! It was my idea. Mine
and Mr. Cheney�s, of course. See, the NIS will make our entire nation invisible
to the terrorists, liberals and other evildoers. They�ll never be able to get
to us because they won�t see us!
J: I see.
W: No you don�t!!!
Get it? You can�t see the Invisibility Shield! Heh. Heh. It will solve our
illegal immigration problems, too. The NIS will make the country invisible to
Mexicans! They�ll think they�re going into Arizona to pick our produce and
clean our pools, but they�ll end up in British Columbia! �Where�s Arizona?�
Sorry, Pedro, it�s invisible!!! Better learn to play hockey!
J: Mr. President?
W: And when the
Chinese and Saudis come by in a few years demanding payment on all those loans
they�ve given us, I press a button and WOOSH! They can�t see us. They won�t be
able to collect any money from an invisible county! Whooooa! �What happened to
the U.S.A.? It was here just a minute ago. Where is it now?� They can�t find
us. And we just sit back and smile. But we mustn�t laugh. Or make any noise.
See we�re invisible, but they can still hear us. We have to be very, very
J: (whisper) Thank
you, Mr. President.