The Lighter Side
Follow us home
By Jack Doman
Online Journal Contributing Writer


Nov 1, 2006, 00:31

The administration�s latest reason to stay the course in Iraq is, �If we leave they will follow us home.� The president has repeated this in every speech or interview for the past week or so. Some of the Republican candidates are parroting the line, as well.

Does this mean that instead of eliminating WMD, hunting for Osama Bin Laden, liberating the Iraqi people, spreading democracy or honoring their fallen comrades, our troops are now in Iraq as a diversionary tactic? I had to find out.

As you know I have a special connection with the president. He thinks I�m a fellow member of Skull and Bones. (Now, don�t tell anyone. It�s a SECRET society.) So, he takes my calls.

J: Mr. President, thank you for taking my call.

W: Glad to, Jacko. Anything for a Skull and Boner. Heh. Heh. Heh. Boner.

J: Sir, you�ve been saying lately that the terrorists would follow us home if we withdraw from Iraq. Do you mean like a stalker or more like a puppy?

W: No, it�s more like DiNiro in that Cape Fear movie. They could strap themselves under some of our tanks on the way home. Then at night they�d crawl out from under the houseboat and try to rape our wives and poison our dog. Well, not on my watch! I won�t let them follow us to Cape Fear because that�s where we live! And we�ll continue to live in Fear as long as I�m in power. I�ll never let the terrorists find us.

J: Mr. President, do you mean that the only thing preventing some sort of terrorist �invasion� is that they simply can�t find the USA?

W: That�s right. See the terrorist are evil. Really evil. And smart. Evil geniuses. You must fear them and give up any semblance of your civil rights or liberties. But the terrorists have a weakness. They have trouble reading maps. That�s their weakness. They�re not great map readers. So one prong in our pronged strategy in The War on Terror is to keep the evildoers from finding us. Bringing our troops home will only guide the terrorists here.

J: I see, sir.

W: Oh, we�ve got other prongs, too. Like when we torture people, we pack �em up and fly them to lots of other countries all over the place.

J: That�s Extraordinary Rendition.

W: Thanks, I think it�s pretty extraordinary myself. See, flying them all over the place keeps the terrorists guessing. We keep �em moving. �Are they in Syria?� �The Americans took me to Turkey or was it Poland?� �Is this Sri Lanka?� �They waterboarded me in Libya and all I got was this t-shirt.� They�re not really sure where to find us. We confuse them. Keep them confused. Did you ever play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

J: Excuse me, Mr. President?

W: You blindfold a kid and spin him around and around and around and then he tries to pin a little paper tail on a donkey�s ass. But the kid�s so confused that he never hits the mark! Heh. Heh. It�s like the blindfolded kid is the terrorist and the USA is the donkey. And the terrorists want to pin the tail on me. But we keep the terrorists confused in Guantanamo and we confuse them by flying them all over the place. And we confuse them more with all our troops stationed in Iraq, and they can�t find us. They never pin the tail on the right spot.

J: The ass.

W: Exactly!

J: But, sir, the terrorists didn�t seem to have a problem finding our country on 9/11.

W: No, that was al Qaeda. We�re talking about Iraq now. Iraq has nothing to do with al Qaeda, silly.

J: Of course not. Are you concerned that someday some terrorists might, well, find the United States?

W: That�s where the next prong of our strategy kicks in. We�ve awarded a $950 billion no-bid contract to Halliburton to develop the NIS.

J: NIS, Mr. President?

W: The National Invisibility Shield. They can�t hit what they can�t see! It was my idea. Mine and Mr. Cheney�s, of course. See, the NIS will make our entire nation invisible to the terrorists, liberals and other evildoers. They�ll never be able to get to us because they won�t see us!

J: I see.

W: No you don�t!!! Get it? You can�t see the Invisibility Shield! Heh. Heh. It will solve our illegal immigration problems, too. The NIS will make the country invisible to Mexicans! They�ll think they�re going into Arizona to pick our produce and clean our pools, but they�ll end up in British Columbia! �Where�s Arizona?� Sorry, Pedro, it�s invisible!!! Better learn to play hockey!

J: Mr. President?

W: And when the Chinese and Saudis come by in a few years demanding payment on all those loans they�ve given us, I press a button and WOOSH! They can�t see us. They won�t be able to collect any money from an invisible county! Whooooa! �What happened to the U.S.A.? It was here just a minute ago. Where is it now?� They can�t find us. And we just sit back and smile. But we mustn�t laugh. Or make any noise. See we�re invisible, but they can still hear us. We have to be very, very quiet. Shhhhhhhhhh!

J: (whisper) Thank you, Mr. President.