One day of war is too long; almost four years of war, and over one-half million people dead, is too damn long! Let�s close 2006 the right way by giving George W. Bush his victory party, and drafting a plan to bring all American troops home; now, right away!

Maybe we are going about this thing in Iraq the wrong way, showing way too much adult reality to our Washington youngster-in-distress. Instead of a coloring book and a nice box of Crayolas restricted to his favorite colors, we are giving him a boring encyclopedic ISG report with more than 90 hard-to-read pages. Are we abusive or what? Little wonder this juvenile-in-charge throws tantrums!

It�s high time we gave Master Bush his Victory Party. Ronald Reagan had his, barely midpoint in his first term, and so did Bush Padre. And personable Billy-Jeff Clinton didn�t have one -- the quasi-invasion of Haiti doesn�t count -- because as a sexually precocious scoundrel, busy with his entertainment of choice, he wasn�t into military things. And more importantly, he knew he wouldn�t look hot wearing fatigues atop a carrier�s flight deck overlooking Port-au-Prince; and guessing the Pentagon�s love for this president, an issue of fatigues would have been it -- positively no flight suit for him!

Reagan made himself a hero in 1983 bringing in a sorely needed victory for America, as Pentagon master planners humbled a Marxist takeover of Grenada (population: 90,000 happy Caribbean folks and thrice that many chickens), a victory of nutmeg proportions that set American pride upright once again -- after Korea and Vietnam -- a peacock�s spicy war dance which heralded the inevitable fall of the evil Soviet empire. As for the elder Bush, his victory over Panama�s cocaine-tested legions in 1989, and capture of strongman Presidente Manny Noriega, made it be known to the world that you don�t rattle sabers against the president of the United States, and expect to get away with it -- particularly ingrates who have been on the payroll of the CIA.

Saving face is mostly a grown-up thing. And, no matter what regent Cheney or nanny Rice have to say on the subject, this overgrown kid in the White House playing with an emperor�s crown doesn�t really need face-saving. He just needs to think he�s getting �his way.� Spoiled-rotten from babyhood, his conservative genes redirecting his sucking from the Left to the Right tit, he is said to listen only to voices coming from up above; so to reach him, we must talk to him from a few feet up, possibly hiding behind a curtain and playing a godly role, as did the Wizard of Oz.

This youngster needs to have a victory party . . . and that�s that! So, at our peril, we must give it to him, or else. A victory party without victory, but that�s what faith is all about. And this is a person who only sees virtue in faith, dismissing completely both hope and charity. Instead of a New Year�s gala party at the White House, we could surprise him with a victory party at a nearby Chuck E. Cheese -- there�s one in Alexandria 10 miles from the White House -- and make December 31, 2006, V-I Day (Victory in Iraq) -- in the likes of memorable V-E (Victory in Europe) and V-J (Victory in Japan) days of 1945.

And just how do we propose to do that? At this point in Bush�s march of meandering ineptitude, it shouldn�t be difficult to enlist help even from among his most loyal groupies of seven/eight years ago: exclusivist neocons, military brass, evangelicals and fortune amassers who�ve been raking in undeserved wealth from the obscene tax-cuts.

Theoretically these groups should have benefited immensely from Dubya�s ruling ways, but empirically this nation, and the world, has been audience to a badly scripted and directed play with a cast that made this production (administration) a comedy of errors, and a tragedy in human terms. And that has affected both Bush-friend and Bush-foe. Therefore, it needn�t come as a surprise that enough conservatives and progressives would play together in a unified role . . . sounding off the voice of reason disguised as a godly wizard with a megaphone.

There won�t be any need to mitigate defeat; all that would be required is to enhance the meaning of the word retreat with a second military acceptation; this time a ceremonial raising of the flag, adopted at victory value by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, if not by the different academies of the English language.

For those who might feel distaste for the deception in misnaming such a proposed exit from Iraq, let them be reminded this isn�t much different than declaring victories in Grenada or Panama; or the statement by Clinton asserting, �I did not have sex with that woman.� It�s all fake, fake, fake . . . orgasms that never really took place. So what�s the harm if our nation, and the world, receive something positive from this retreat-called-victory? Human life is far too precious to be wasted on the whims and fantasies of an ignorant, self-centered and immature prince.

Cutting and running in Iraq (and Afghanistan) appears preferable to the other option that has now made the great leap from possibility to high probability; and that is, extending the regional conflict in the Middle East by bombing the hell out of Iran, filling the Persian Gulf with aircraft carriers, cruise-missiles� catapults and a likely stream of oil tankers that will never reach the Strait of Hormuz. But, can an easily foreseeable outcome really be considered a choice: a politically and economically screwed-up world coming to its knees with oil prices reaching $150-$200 per barrel, and priceless blood flowing free?

More than an option, it seems as if taking up arms against Iran might prove to be a thoughtless suicide mission for the United States. But so was Iraq!

It�s a no-brainer. Let�s get on with the Victory Party before it�s too late . . . then call it a day, a year and a war.

� 2006 Ben Tanosborn