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Commentary Last Updated: Jan 4th, 2007 - 01:08:31

The unconquered son
By Jeff Zervas
Online Journal Guest Writer

Dec 22, 2006, 02:15

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In keeping with the Yuletide spirits of generosity, peace on Earth, and joy to the world, Uncle Sam O�Claws and the compassionate conservatives keep piling gifts under the corporate Christmas tree.

While the taxpayers pinch pennies for presents, the world�s most expensive government continues filling the world�s largest punch bowl for the world�s principal arms merchants.

No sooner has the snow settled after one arms procurement storm than another strikes.

Recently, ex-Secretary of Defense �Frosty the Snowjob� Rumsfeld could not explain �how his department came to squander nearly $30 billion leasing several hundred new tanker aircraft that its own experts had decided were not needed.� Then, true to character, the human smart bomb couldn�t explain why he didn�t know what he didn�t know. Ho ho ho!

Also, being seasonally correct, this year�s congressional elves donated $1.4 billion to purchase 20 of the trouble-ridden F-22 fighter aircraft. They are the most expensive fighter planes in history and were designed to counter the Soviet air forces, an enemy that no longer exists. There were no F-22s on the Pentagon�s Christmas wish list, yet no one will be standing in line to return those stocking stuffers or ask for a refund!

Conservative? Bah, humbug.

If we truly desire frugality, maybe we should turn over the reins of government to old St Nick. After all, as a private citizen, with a low budget, he�s ruled the Christmas skies for centuries. He puts Nicholsonian Economics to work in his everyday life and routinely achieves spectacular results without a silly swagger.

Furthermore, he�s highly accountable. He never accepts foreign bribes, he always accomplishes the mission, and kids are safe around him. He delivers the goods with a low tech All Weather Sleigh, equipped with an efficient Rudolph 4-Leg propulsion system guided by standard Red Nose avionics. He even has his own uniform which, to make it more official, could be adorned with a few ribbons by Mrs. Claus. However, the beard would have to go.

Speaking of Mrs. Claus, she has experience keeping the workers in line, out of trouble, and productive. Furthermore, she does that in a frozen homeland with an abundance of candy canes everywhere and no concertina wire in sight. All the work is voluntary, and she doesn�t rely on jackboots, so it�s certainly no gulag.

With a resume like that she could be the first female president, but that would require an auction, I mean election, and she�d have to work away from home. She�d also have to outsource the gingerbread cookies. On the plus side, she�d have a pension and bennies to burn, courtesy of the tax peons.

There are other examples to follow, if only we�d muster the will. For instance, we get the word �magic� because the Magi made do without fancy expensive hardware. They relied on ordinary Camel Personnel Movers, their common sense and a solitary star to direct their deployment. And they finished the job.

Additionally, they came bearing gifts, not bombs or grenades or white phosphorous. They didn�t dispense handouts from the public treasury, they tried to thwart the massacre of the innocents, and they were Persian. They would have made lousy Congress lice, but no one�s perfect.

Yeah, I�m aware that my ideas stand a snowball�s chance in Hades. After all, an innocent babe, born of poor parents in a shed amongst livestock, threatened the all-powerful state to such a degree that it thrashed about in a futile, pathetic, irrational, blind rage slaughtering children. Such a grotesque monster cannot be reformed, so it will grow like a hideous tumor until it destroys even itself.

In anticipation, we celebrate Natalis Solis Invicta and the death of the dark times.

Joy to the world!

Jeff Zervas is a wild old snowboarding crank who has observed that most people have a problem with authority. They trust them too much.

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