After publicly stating that he feared his middle name was causing many Jews to be suspicious of him as being a Muslim, the president has changed it from Hussein to Schmulka.

�I believe that by taking this ancient and honored Jewish name I can once and for all convince my very few lunatic Jewish detractors who logically feared that I might be a Muslim because of my other hate-speech name which I will no longer use and will hereafter be referred to as the �H� name, that I am truly devoted to Jews and Israel, as I have always been since long before this necessary name change.

�Further, to convince some of my good lunatic friends on the right that I am not now nor have I ever been a socialist and have a lifelong dedication to capitalism, my two daughters are having dollar signs tattooed on their arms and I will proudly wear an American flag pin with a large dollar sign over my heart. I hope that in this spirit of bipartisan citizenship I can help bring Americans together in unity that crosses lines of race, creed, bankroll or intelligence and we can move on to make this country once again a beacon of light in a dimming universe with food for thought for the intellectually hungry and for people who need to stand up and be proud of what they once were but still are and when the day is done we can all join hands and say free at last free at least, thank God almighty and whatever . . .�

At this point the president stopped as the assembled Washington press corps spontaneously broke down into hysterical weeping at this emotional display by this most emotionally spellbinding orator in the history of American presidents who engage in spellbinding oratory. There were a few laughs coming from the back of the pressroom, but these were journalists from foreign countries representing the overwhelming majority of the global population, so who cares?

Copyright � 2010 Frank Scott. All rights reserved.