WASHINGTON -- President George W. Bush today applauded the
decision by the House of Representatives and the Senate to disband.
"Everything changed on 9/11," said the president.
"The American people join me in thanking Congress for finally having the
wisdom and patriotism to recognize this changed situation in the country and
the world. Although these legislators have served our nation well over the
years, now all that bickering, partisan sniping, and obstructionism blocking my
programs are gone.
"In a word, I know what needs to be done. And now we
can reach those goals with aggressive speed and determination, knowing that all
our citizens are united under one leader. Those seeking to throw the American
government into chaos and anarchy with their talk of impeachment and
cutting-and-running from our battles abroad have been silenced."
A joint statement from Republican and Democratic leaders in
both branches of Congress was issued late last night: "It appears that the
Executive branch has made the Legislative branch redundant, by outsourcing our
lawmaking functions to itself. They are deciding which laws to obey, and have
the Justice Department and the courts under their control. So, rather than
waste taxpayers' money in spinning our wheels, we're simply going out of
Most members said they have been offered lucrative contracts
by lobbying organizations, to use their access to contacts in the White House
and the military services. Others said they would be going to work for the
expanded Pentagon and Homeland Security Department, which today announced that
they would be taking over the functions of the Department of State and all the
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said one of his first priorities
will be to reorganize Amtrak as a "national security asset" and
"make sure that the trains run on time."
The Departments of Labor and Housing & Urban Development
will be disbanded, said new White House Press Secretary Ann Coulter, as will
the various regulatory bodies such as the Environmental Protection Agency,
Federal Communications Commission, Securities & Exchange Commission, OSHA,
Mine Safety Administration, and the Civil Rights Division of the Justice
The new secretary of Education, Rev. Pat Robertson,
announced that a national history and civics curriculum would be written by
Under Secretaries Bill Bennett and Lynn Cheney, and the biology curriculum by
Rev. Jerry Falwell and James Dobson.
Always "Within the Law"
As for the Judicial branch, Coulter said, "Now that the
Congress is no longer an impediment in getting patriotic judges onto the
Supreme Court, we would anticipate that the judiciary will remain in business
to validate the decisions taken by President Bush. Citizens should feel
comforted that our administration will always be seen as working 'within the
law.' But should the judiciary attempt to interfere with the orderly workings
of this administration, we will re-evaluate its role and function."
Not all members of the House and Senate went quietly into
new establishment jobs or retirement. Several senators and representatives,
mainly Democrats and a few moderate Republicans, said they would move to the
western coastal states (California, Oregon and Washington), or to the Northeast
region (Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont), where they will work for
referenda on the possibility of joint secession.
Reportedly, the Bush administration, which has nullified the
22nd Amendment to the Constitution, thus permitting President Bush to continue
to serve in perpetuity, has said it has no problem with the attempts of the
"traitorous regions" to sever themselves from the "patriotic
mainstream" of America.
"They are doing this to gain attention for their
demands for more inclusion in policy-making. But surely they realize that if
they do leave the United States, that would make them foreign countries, and
thus potential recipients of our Shock & Awe policies," said Vice
President Dick Cheney. "I don't think they're going anywhere. They'll come
around -- or will devoutly wish that they had."
Send These Kids to Camp
We attempted for this story to contact various anti-Bush
activists and progressive website editors, to get their reactions to the
extraordinary political events of the past few days, but all our inquiries were
forwarded to the Department of Homeland Security. Robert Novak, press secretary
for the Department's newly created Security Services, which was set up to deal
with "recalcitrants" and "malcontents," said all those we
inquired about were "unavailable for comment."
Other sources, who have chosen to remain anonymous, report
that under the leadership of Richard Perle thousands have been moved to
"re-education" camps in the Nevada desert, the northern Alaska oil
refuge and other undisclosed locations, or were "rendered" to special
camps in allied countries. (Note: Novak said the S.S. wants to make clear that
these "malcontents" will not be sent to the "relocation centers
reserved for homosexuals, winners of National Endowment for the Arts grants,
and other deviants.")
The offending websites have been taken over or shut down,
said deputy S.S. spokesman Bill O'Reilly, "because they have been
spreading slanderous lies and unsubstantiated charges against our Leader and
his policies. Anger and rebellion have no place in our new order. When those
troublemakers return from the re-education centers, we expect they will have
new, positive attitudes about the value of Bush administration
O'Reilly said that no action would be taken against the
editors and publishers of the country's major newspapers, networks and cable TV
and radio news outlets. "They established their patriotic credentials long
ago, and are either supportive of the Bush agenda or know when to keep their
traps shut," said O'Reilly.
Rush Limbaugh has been appointed director of the National
Institutes of Health's pharmacy, and Jeff Gannon is now protocol chief in
charge of entertainment and overnight stays at the White House.
President Bush announced today that he would fill the seats
of three retiring Supreme Court justices -- John Paul Stevens, Stephen Breyer,
Ruth Bader Ginzburg -- with Michael Brown, Alberto Gonzales and Harriet Miers.
"These new appointees are three of our finest public
servants, who have demonstrated great loyalty to my person and policies,"
said President Bush. "They know that everything changed on 9/11 and that
me and my administration are working hard for the American people. They will
serve the nation well in making sure that our administration's actions always
will remain 'within the law' -- by validating with their unanimous opinions
those decisions I take in the service of protecting the American people from threats
to our national security. Everything changed on 9/11; the terrorists hate us
for our freedoms, you know."
The President's Mercy
Finally, President Bush today issued a full amnesty and/or
pardon for those felons from his administration and Congress currently serving
time in prison or those under federal indictment or grand jury investigation.
Included among those hundreds are the Cabinet, Karl Rove, I. Lewis Libby, Tom
DeLay, John Ashcroft, Bill Frist, Duke Cunningham, and such stalwart
administration backers as Jack Abramoff, Ralph Reed and Kenneth Lay.
"These are loyal Americans all, who have worked
tirelessly for me and thus for the good of our nation, and were hounded by
over-zealous prosecutors with hidden agendas," said President Bush.
"These pardons and amnesties will ensure that they return to their good
work in the public and private sectors, and will continue advising me
Switching places with the pardoned felons are such
"over-zealous prosecutors" as Patrick Fitzgerald, James Comey, Ronnie
Earle, and Elliot Spitzer. Among notables known to have been rounded up and
sent for re-education, based on their harsh critiques of Bush policy: Lawrence
Tribe, Anthony Lewis, Richard Clarke, Paul O'Neill, Lawrence Wilkerson, Paul
Krugman, Molly Ivins, Noam Chomsky, Frank Rich and Seymour Hersh. Numerous
other notables reportedly have fled to France.
President Bush said he issued the amnesties now to
"have our full and best team in place as we prepare for whatever foreign
and domestic actions may come in the immediate future." It is believed he
is referring to the impending military action against Syria, Iran, North Korea,
Venezuela, Cuba and Bolivia.
More secret prisons are being built to accommodate the
expected thousands of detainees from those conflicts. But, said Defense
Secretary Rumsfeld, "There will be fewer prisoners than in past wars
because we fully intend to exercise our dominance in the nuclear-weaponry
field. The advantage in using such WMD is that it reduces the number of prisoners
to care for and also keeps other foreign countries from even thinking about
criticizing our policies. In short, it's a win-win for America and for the
expansion of freedom around the globe."
Copyright � 2006
Weiner, Ph.D., a playwright-poet, has written numerous satires and
parodies. He has taught at numerous universities, worked as a writer/editor
with the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The Crisis
Papers. For comments firstname.lastname@example.org.