Recently I intercepted a top secret memo that was circulated
to White House staff members about attending classes on ethics. So that readers
can draw their own conclusions, the memo appears in its entirety.
FROM: Wanna-be White House Counsel Anon Y. Mous
TO: White House Staff Members
DATE: Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday Evenings
SUBJECT: What the Hell Is Ethics?
The President and Supreme Commander of the United States and
assorted territories (including Iraq) Mr. George W. Bush requests the honor of
your presence at three evening forums this upcoming week.
All White House staff members and their significant others
(only one per staff and over twenty-one), are required to participate. The
topic to be analyzed, explored, dissected, and deconstructed at this forum is
�What the hell is ethics?�
The forum will commence each evening, Tuesday through
Thursday, after the Washington press corps has retreated to their favorite
watering holes�Fox News broadcasters excepted.
All attendees shall gather together in the Blue Room of the
White House around 7:30 p.m. each
evening for a welcoming speech from former White House press secretary Ari
Fleischer. During cocktails (BYOB), former Attorney General John Ashcroft will
circulate to verify Republican Party credentials. At eight o�clock sharp,
former FEMA Director Michael Brown will lead the congregation in an orderly
manner to a special assembly hall in the basement that has been designed by
Republican technicians to prevent leaks.
I repeat: Attendance is mandatory for all staff members.
Only the most senior White House advisors and staff members
are excused. They are attending a job fair at an unannounced location.
8:15�9:15: The forum
kicks off with 20-minute workshops (Select any three)
A. �Budget Fudging,� led by Senate Majority Leader
B. �Circumventing Ethics,� led by Congressman Tom
C. �Maneuvering Without the Facts,� led by Deputy
Chief of Staff Karl Rove
D. �Make Believe Morality,� led by Former Christian
Coalition Chief Ralph Reed
E. �Privatizing War,� led by Secretary of Defense
F. �Offshore Outsourcing,� led by * [TBA]
Everyone will gather in the basement assembly hall for the feature lectures:
A. �Prison Conversions: True or False?� presented by
B. �To Torture or Not to Torture? A Slam-Dunk,�
presented by G. Gordon Liddy
C. �Avoiding the Pokey: The �Just Obeying Orders
Plea,�� presented by Oliver North
Creative Writing Workshops (Select one)
A. �Spice-up Your Spy Novel with Porn,� Scooter Libby
B. �The Bisexual Point of View and the Frontier
Novel,� Lynne Cheney
As the whole world knows, our luminous leader President
George W. Bush is busy touring other parts of the globe, accompanied by many of
our Republican role models.
We will present a short, videotaped welcome from our
Our valiant president has asked that his mentor, Vice President
Dick Cheney, deliver the Keynote Address. Mr. Cheney will speak on the issue of
Constitutional Amendments One, Two, Four, Five, Six, and Eight and the Future
of the Republican Party. **
* All persons considered qualified to lead this
workshop are either out of the country at this time or do not speak English. If
you know of any Republicans currently in country who could lead this workshop,
please contact me immediately.
** Anyone knowing of Mr. Cheney�s whereabouts please notify
Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman immediately.
Tony Zurlo is a writer/educator living in
Arlington, Texas. Currently, he teaches writing and African/Asian culture at
Tarrant County College. He has also taught in schools in Nigeria, China,
and many parts of the U.S. His op-eds, essays, and reviews have appeared in
Online Journal, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Democrats.US,
OpEdNews, Peace Corps Writers, Writers Against War, and other journals and newspapers. He also has
published nonfiction books on Vietnam, China, Hong Kong, Japan, Japanese
Americans, West Africa, Algeria, and soon Syria. His poetry and short
fiction have appeared in more than 65 journals, magazines, and anthologies.