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The Lighter Side Last Updated: Jan 4th, 2007 - 01:08:31

God�s Middle East peace plan
By James Underwood
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Aug 15, 2006, 00:56

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Jeremy saw it as he was scrolling through the latest batch of images from the big telescope. He went past it before it registered, then he went back. There it was. A black spot where stars should be. He looked at the next image taken an hour later. Looked the same. The next image again same. But the fourth image showed a tiny star to the upper left of the black spot. The spot was moving.

More data. Analysis. Corroboration. More data. More analysis. Confirmation. Estimates. Trajectories.

Three hours. Six hours. Eight.

Trajectory confirmed. Location confirmed.

ETA 3 hours.

�Yes, sir, I know that, sir, your wife gave me your mistresses phone number, sir. Even so you can�t evac 50 million people in three hours sir.�

ETA 2 hours.

�Mr. President please be reasonable!�

�Reasonable my ass. This is not part of God�s plan. It�s a terrorist plot. They�re fooling our computers and our telescopes. I will not allow this to happen. If it does, heads will roll, heads will roll!�

ETA 1 hour.

�Good Afternoon, thank you for being with us today, we are following a developing story in space and the Middle East. CNN�s reporter Eu Tellim is reporting by videophone from Jerusalem where all is chaos. Can you hear me Eu?�

�Yes, Jessica, I can hear you but, I�ve got to tell you, it is absolute pandemonium here. No one knows what to believe. The reports we are getting are completely unbelievable. People are running through the streets, there is total gridlock, no vehicles are moving . . . there go more Israeli/US F-16�s overhead going east, you can hear the roar . . . can you tell me anything new on the info you have there in the studio?�

�Eu, NASA has confirmed that a 3-mile wide asteroid of indeterminate composition is approaching Earth at 30,000 miles per hour. Computer projections are showing Jerusalem as the target. ETA is one hour. You need to evacuate the area now.�

�Evacuate? How? If it�s three miles wide, what kind of impact are we looking at? Oh, god, we�re dead, we�re dea . . ."

�Eu? Eu? I�m sorry our connection seems to have been broken. We will get Eu back on line as soon as we can. I think we have, yes we have Robert Farsite at the observatory now, Robert is this thing going to hit and what kind of damage are we looking at throughout Jerusalem if it does, in fact, hit?�

�Damage? To Jerusalem? My dear girl, the entire region is going to be destroyed. Israel, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, the Emirates, Egypt, large parts of Turkey and Greece, and downrange even Iran and Pakistan. There�s going to be global climate change, quite possibly several years of winter temperatures all over the world. This could well be the end of civilization, but it most certainly is the end of the Middle East.�

�Do you mean the Middle East as a political entity? Or the nations in the Middle East? Define for our viewers exactly what you mean by the end of the Middle East.�

�I mean the Middle East is going to be a large hole in the ground filled with water. The Mediterranean Sea is about to get a lot bigger.�

ETA 30 minutes.

�God is coming now! He is going to judge this sinful and hard hearted generation! Now the sinners and heathens and satan worshipping idolaters are going to pay the price for not standing up for Him. This is the Rapture! Can�t you hear that trumpet blow? We�re going to be lifted up to be with Him in the air! That�s why He had you sign up for our tour of the Holy Land. You have been specially chosen by Jesus Himself to be on this spot when He returns! Praise His Holy Name!�

ETA 15 minutes.

�Give me another hit, baby. Yeah! Let�s do it. Ooh this stuff�s dynamite! That feels good. Unh-Unh-Unh-Unh-Cum-Cum-Cum-Cum- . . ."

ETA 1 minute.

A black dot moves in front of the sun. Growing rapidly larger. Temperatures throughout the Middle east drop from 100 degrees to 75 degrees in seconds.

ETA 10 seconds.

Benjamin the sheep herder looks up in wonder.

Hamid the goat herder looks up in wonder.

ETA � On Time � Rock and Roll

And God said, �Let there be Peace in the Middle East,� and it was so and God was pleased. And the evening and the morning were the next day.

� 2006 James Underwood

James Underwood is a freelance writer on current events and author of �The Big Picture: Welcome to Uh-Oh land.� Ordering information can be found at

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