The Lighter Side
Federal witness protection program: The future home of George W. Bush?
By Jane Stillwater
Online Journal Contributing Writer


Jun 8, 2006, 00:34

My friend Leona told me that she thought she saw Jimmy Hoffa in Missouri recently. "Maybe he's still alive." It could happen. Maybe the feds put him in a witness protection program.

I bet that's what's going to finally happen to George W. Bush. We will get a tastefully sorrowful announcement on CNN that America's 42nd president [sic] has quietly passed away in his sleep. Then this sad event will be followed by a fancy state funeral. And then they will quietly whisk our George off to play gin rummy with Osama bin Laden in Dubai.

You think I'm joking? I'm not.

I bet you anything that when the special prosecutors start fitting GWB for an orange jump suit, he's gonna wimp out, pull out some wax dummy look-alike to get buried in Arlington and then join a witness protection program overseen by Alberto Gonzales.

George, I understand. When Americans finally wake up and discover the millions of ways that you have screwed them, playing drop-the-soap with Jeff Skilling and Kenny-Boy Lay is going to be one of the milder options available to you. What are some others? Death row comes to mind. Or being run out of town on a rail. Tar and feathering? Hey, I'm non-violent. And I would HATE to see you get lynched.

I just have one favor to ask, Mr. Gonzales. PLEASE don't put Bush in a witness protection program in California! Send him to Texas.