Satire
Study concludes Americans are the stupidest people on the planet
By Carmen Yarrusso
Online Journal Contributing Writer


Sep 22, 2010, 00:11

Every country on earth has its stupid people. But a recent Rand study examining 160 countries concludes America now has the highest percentage of stupid people in all 10 internationally recognized categories of stupidity. This is unprecedented.

Percentage wise, America now has (in order of increasing stupidity) more nincompoops, jerks, numb nuts, shitheads, utter halfwits, morons, imbeciles, idiots, assholes and complete assholes than any other country in the world (in fairness, America just edged out France in utter halfwits and barely beat the UK in complete assholes).

This comprehensive study examined multiple factors and conditions contributing to the various categories of stupidity. By far the factor contributing most to the final rankings in all categories was the competence (or lack thereof) of the government sustained by the people of each country. The study clearly shows the competence of a country�s government directly reflects the mental competence of the people it represents (conversely, the stupider a government�s policies, the stupider the people it represents).

Americans proudly claim their government is �of the people, by the people, for the people.� So what better way to evaluate the mental competence of the American people than by evaluating the reasonableness of their government�s policies?

The study found every government supports at least a few stupid policies. Several really stupid policies were the norm in nearly half of the 160 countries, and further, every really stupid policy and every really, really stupid policy was shared by at least 10 other countries. So America isn�t alone in supporting patently asinine policies.

But the US government was off the charts in the total number, the vast extent, and the negative worldwide impact of its really, really, stupid policies (head-stuck-way-up-your-ass type policies). In fact, many of the world�s head-stuck-way-up-your-ass policies were created by the US government and exported to other countries (often using military and/or monetary threats).

Top three US head-stuck-way-up-your-ass policies

Drug war: The study called drug prohibition �the most obvious� example of a head-stuck-way-up-your-ass policy that America exported worldwide using threats and coercion. Sound thinking people aside, the study found a very high percentage of America�s morons, imbeciles, and even idiots understood why drug prohibition is utterly stupid (and clearly counterproductive).

Nearly 98 percent of American idiots surveyed could easily explain why drug prohibition is an extreme waste of taxpayer money, why it causes vast suffering and death around the world (look at Mexico), and why it�s guaranteed to perpetually fail (duh, maybe because it guarantees massive profits to anyone in the world who can produce and deliver these drugs?). Only assholes or complete assholes could believe a government policy that guarantees MASSIVE profits for any activity will result in less of that activity. Duh!

America has spent more than a TRILLION tax dollars on the �drug war.� Any idiot knows prohibited drugs are cheaper, purer, and more readily available than ever. Only assholes or complete assholes would expect a different result. But among America�s voters, even the morons, imbeciles, and idiots are far outnumbered by assholes and complete assholes. Thus, the insanely stupid �drug war� continues unabated.

Two-party political system OPENLY owned by big corporations

The vast majority of Americans actually believe they get to choose their government �representatives.� What assholes! They�re simply too stupid to comprehend the two political parties collaborate to severely limit their choices to pre-chosen candidates who pledge to work within the extremely corrupt money-driven US political system. These imbeciles have no clue why both political parties continue to rob them blind year after year. Duh!

The only �choice� these stupid Americans get is how they�re going to get screwed (they can �choose� Democrats who will ram it deep in their left ear or �choose� Republicans who will drive it home in their right ear). The only real choice these American idiots get is which segment of the middle class gets screwed the most. Moronic Americans will soon flock to the polls shouting, �I�m tired of getting screwed in my left ear; I want to get screwed in my right ear for awhile.�

Americans sustain a blatantly corrupt political system and wonder why they always get screwed no matter who they �choose.� Duh! Being a jerk, or utter halfwit, or even a moron or an imbecile, isn�t enough. You have to be a complete asshole to think an extremely corrupt money-driven political system (with tens of thousands of high-paid lobbyists OPENLY buying political influence) could EVER produce a government that looks out for the best interests of the American people. America is clearly a nation of raving assholes! Duh!

Insanely out-of-control US war machine

In the last 10 years, �defense� contractors spent nearly a BILLION dollars openly buying political influence from so-called �representatives� of the American people. In return they got lucrative contracts worth hundreds of billions. But most Americans are WAY too stupid to see a connection between these obvious legal bribes and America�s endless wars of aggression (and the overwhelming US military presence around the world). Duh!

America now spends more on outrageously expensive weapons of war than all other countries on earth COMBINED! It spends hundreds of billions sustaining military bases in 63 foreign countries! It�s by far the number one purveyor of weapons of mass destruction throughout the world (apparently, this is America�s way of spreading peace and goodwill to all mankind).

The US is about to sell Saudi Arabia $60 billion in weapons of mass destruction. What a great humanitarian gesture! It�s sure to promote peace in the Middle East. Americans are very clearly the mental midgets of humanity.

If that weren�t enough, to maximize its war profits, America spends billions more supporting violently oppressive regimes around the globe (especially in Muslim-occupied countries). America very deliberately creates enemies faster than it can kill them (profits are obviously far more important than people).

The study estimates America has about sixty million assholes and about forty million complete assholes. Among America�s professions, mainstream media �journalists� had the highest percentage in both categories. Their job is to keep the American people in a zombie-like stupor (obviously they do a great job).

If it scares you to think how incredibly stupid the average American is, just ponder the fact that half of them are even stupider! If brains were dynamite, Americans would have just about enough to tip their hats.