The Lighter Side
Bulletin from the Institute of Future History: ExxonMobil and Citigroup to run for president
By Alan James Strachan, Ph.D.
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Feb 24, 2010, 00:28

March 28, 2012 -- In the wake of the recent Supreme Court decision that corporations can run for President, Exxon Mobil and Citigroup announced their candidacy.

In a series of rulings over the past 120 years, the Supreme Court has determined that corporations are, in fact, human beings, and it has gradually expanded their rights as US citizens.

In the court�s most recent ruling, the unanimous decision decreed, �As human beings and citizens of the US, any corporation has the right to run for political office. Corporations, like each and every citizen, have the inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Can anyone deny how happy they will be to be able to hold political office?�

The ACLU accused the court of succumbing to intense corporate lobbying. Chief Justice Roberts, located at a Citigroup-owned resort in Majorca, declined comment.

A court spokesperson stated that the unanimous decision was completely unrelated to corporate sponsorship of the court. Last year, when the US government was unable to provide a budget, the Supreme Court was forced to turn to corporate sponsors. Responding to public complaints that corporate logos on the justice�s robes lack dignity, a spokesperson stated that they were �tasteful� and �in no way affected the impartiality of the court.�

Citigroup was selected by a secret meeting of the Banker�s Party, formerly the Democratic Party, while Exxon Mobil was chosen in a similar fashion by the Oil and Gas Party, formerly the Republican Party. When asked why the decisions were made behind closed doors, rather than in an open convention, each party declined comment.

After announcing their candidacy at a joint press conference, Citigroup and Exxon Mobil issued the following statement:

We are proud to announce a new era of cooperation in the selection of a president. We will not be running a negative campaign. In fact, we will not be running a campaign at all. The mere fact that we are now able to run for office amply demonstrates our ability to get things done. Voters seeking further information are referred to our annual reports. Finally, we want to assure the voters that whichever candidate they vote for, they will receive exactly the same representation.

In related news, stock prices for Citigroup and Exxon Mobil soared to unprecedented highs.

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