The Lighter Side
New loan promises to save USA, global capital
By Frank Scott
Online Journal Contributing Writer


Aug 12, 2009, 00:15

The international banking firm of Soros, Tsuris & Soros has joined with Goldman, Ponzi & Sachs in announcing plans to finance a one hundred-fifty trillion dollar ($150,000,000,000,000) loan to the USA, made possible through a complex arrangement involving OPEC, the Bulgarian Central Bank, Cosa Nostra, the Colombian Drug Cartel, Albania, the Vatican Zionist Minion, and the Little Sisters of the Poor.

The globally secured financial giant, long run by mathematical geniuses from the top secret HPOIIOICNUTOH (High Priests of International Investing of Intriguing Complexity Not Understandable to Ordinary Humans) expect to raise this historic amount via the sale of still to be created world government backed and guaranteed bonds, drawn on faith, hope and a complete and total lack of charity, in keeping with the constraints of harsh reality and profit seeking.

�Though there are neither bonds nor investors at the moment,� said firm spokesperson Bernardo Batista de Rothschild, �we know that the incredibly high interest rates we will offer -- 30-35 percent -- assure that very soon there will be many rushing to our doors, their brokers, our banks, their keyboards, or other text devices, with thumbs, checkbooks, credit cards, and promissory notes at the ready.�

The American stock market rose to its highest level in 200 years at this news, while unemployment dropped from its previous high of 44 percent to its lowest point in months: 39 percent.

�Things are finally looking up,� said President Palin, �and our long recession may finally be over. Again.�

New court assures continuity with old court

The Senate overwhelmingly approved the Supreme Court�s first autistic, lesbian, Arab American, atheist member, GloriaGus Fatima AntiCristo, who will join recently appointed Chief Justice Glitzy Morales, the online gossip celebrity and nation�s first English speaking illegal immigrant on the court. �We are close to reaching the American dream on this court, with servants for minority capital coming from representatives of the great majority of our people, all divided into identity and ethnic groups but united in their dedication to maintain the system of identity and ethnic groups united in support of finance capital� said court spokesperson and former Mafia lawyer, Vito Nunzio Lieberman Chan, who spoke, as usual, through an interpreter.

New coalition of Truthers, Birthers, Frothers and Mirthers

A new group uniting previously disparate forces promises to introduce a poli-psych-eco-giggle factor to American politics which has been sorely lacking since the Gerald Ford regime, previously honored as the most hysterical but harmless administration in U.S. history. The group, spanning a host of controversial issues, put out a press release on its forming. What follows are only some major points in a 2,457 page document.

Truthers:

New Expose Reveals Truth About 911: X-Files Group Suspected

Cigarette Man, other Mysterious White Guys and Area 51 captives implicated in intricate plot involving State Department, DMV, Starbucks, Brittany Spears, the Illuminati, and some Jews . . .

Birthers:

Obama secretly born on Mars in test program to create universal slavery of poor white market investors,

He came here on space ship piloted by Fidel Castro as part of plot formed by an interplanetary cabal to change earth-USA into slave colony for the universe run by illegal Mexican immigrant Jews . . .

Frothers:

Ex-inmates of maximum security mental institutions secretly running United Nations, United States, United Airlines and United Fruit, duping public, media, markets, private sector, athletes, TV stars and stamp collectors into believing there is a reality, advising one and all to watch channel zero when it is off the air to see the real state of the world.

Mirthers:

Urge all to follow advice of Truthers, Birthers, Frothers, try not to think too much, and have a nice day.

Iran! global menace! still! Beware Iran! hurry and beware!

New findings indicate Iran working on secret weapon powerful enough to destroy entire planet, especially Israel!

Researchers from Israel�s world famous think tank, Material Reality is an Oxymoron, announced results of their intensive two-week study of Iran�s secret plans to exterminate all Jews and possibly the rest of humanity, except for Mecca and a Starbucks in Tehran.

At a press conference which introduced the results of the incredibly efficient and widely supported U.S. financed study, an Israel spokesperson said, �We firmly believe in the results of our painstaking study, so why shouldn�t you?

�Unless you�re an anti-Semite?

�Are you?

�ARE YOU?�

stay tuned . . .

Copyright � 2009 Frank Scott. All rights reserved.