The Lighter Side
Christian settlers expel Jews from Holy Land
By John Doraemi
Online Journal Guest Writer


Jan 20, 2009, 00:13

(COTS News Service) � The fledgling State of Christendom (formerly �Israel,� formerly �Palestine�) was declared at the United Nations earlier this week with Jerusalem selected to serve as its capital city.

Fierce fighting continues as Christendom Defense Forces (CDF) pounded the Jewish militant strongholds in the Tel Aviv slums earlier today.

The Christendom Settler Movement (CSM) was first established in the United States. The Bumblehead Mega-Church, headed by Christendom�s newly elected Prime Minister Reverend Jebediah Madasfuch, sowed the seeds of this highly ambitious and historic project. Reverend Madasfuch commissioned a DNA study which established clear links between his congregation�s members and various Christian sects in Bethlehem, Nazareth and Jerusalem.

�We have finally purified and freed the Holy Land,� announced Reverend Madasfuch from the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln patrolling in the eastern Mediterranean Sea.

The State of Christendom receives $17Bn of U.S. military aid annually, and is defended by the U.S. Navy�s Sixth Fleet in addition to U.S. Air Force bases and Missile Defense Shield facilities scattered throughout the region.

Some have criticized the government of Christendom, whose national slogan is �The Only Democracy in the Middle East, Honest.� Accusing the CDF of excessive non-Christian casualties -- allegations of war crimes have caught the attention of world leaders who have expressed concern. Calls for a �peace process� with the former Jewish inhabitants have reached the floor of the UN General Assembly.

Brigadier General Max Ripper of the CDF was interviewed for Zealot Monthly. There he made his controversial remarks, �The Jews are a barbaric species not like you and me. The terror of the David Launchers is a clear sign that they must be removed from these lands once and for all.�

The universally feared David Launchers are responsible for widespread terror throughout Christendom, as wild-eyed Jewish insurgents launch highly lethal jagged stones over the defense walls, potentially killing passersby, although no casualties have been reported.

The CDF claims it has no choice but to drop MOABs, or Mother Of All Bombs, on the densely populated Jewish refugee camps. Casualties are unknown, as the CDF has prevented journalists from entering the camps. Unconfirmed reports put the number of dead and wounded in the thousands. Several independent journalists were accidentally killed by CDF air strikes while attempting to skirt the restrictions and infiltrate the camps in spite of the clear warnings.

Prime Minister Madasfuch defended the defensive actions, and he told the �Jewish holdouts and dead-enders� to just �go away.�

A high-ranking official in the Defense Ministry added, �They are like cornered rats, surrounded on all sides. As food and medicine eventually runs out, they will come to their senses and flee for good. And good riddance.�

The Christendom House of Parliament approved the new national anthem for the struggling democracy to the tune of �This Land is Our Land,� a variation on the popular patriotic American song of the same name.

As Jews worldwide condemned the expulsion of their people from the land, and have threatened to fight on, the U.S. State Department recommended that Judaism be added to its list of terrorist organizations.

Christendom�s tourist industry finally saw an upturn this Christmas season. The State�s global advertising efforts included a call to �Come Back� and �Return to Christendom, the Birthplace of Christ.� Visitors have begun spending the much needed euros, rubles, Swiss francs and dollars at Christendom�s many resorts and spas. Tourists have expressed a desire to immigrate and to settle the lands that Jesus once walked.

�This Land IS Our Land,� said 83-year-old Ethel Flakeycake, a reveling octogenarian from Pensacola Florida. Asked if she had been terrorized by the stones, Mrs. Flakeycake responded, �It�s not kidney stones, dear, it�s incontinence.� Mrs. Flakeycake hopes to be the first Floridian to choose her final resting place in this newly established democratic State of Christendom.

Immigration is officially encouraged by the new democracy. All Christians, worldwide, are granted dual-citizenship, no questions asked. Any Christian may enter the country, receive arms and training, and join up with one of the many new settlements out in the �disputed� territories. The excitement and enthusiasm of the new settlers helps to see them through the personal hardships incurred by conquering such an untamed and hostile land.

Still, most new settlers are undeterred. This year is expected to see the greatest jump in Christian settlers and the largest expansion of new settlements as former Israeli towns and cities are bulldozed and cleared away in order to make way for a new generation of highly motivated � and well-armed � Christian citizen/soldiers.