The Lighter Side
Advice for Bush
By Joel S. Hirschhorn
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Dec 31, 2005, 00:20

Dear President Bush, as a staunch conservative (I will present my credentials later), accept my congratulations on the Iraq elections. Please consider these ideas for moving forward with your democracy-building efforts in Iraq that sadly less than a majority of the 31 percent of eligible voters that re[s]elected you president now support:

  • Rather than serve useless jail terms, have Randy "Duke" Cunningham, and other self-confessed and soon-to-be-convicted Republicans, spend their incarceration in Iraq where they can teach Iraqi politicians about American democracy and how they can avoid making the foolish mistakes that got them entrapped by overly eager law enforcement agencies.

  • Rather than wait for a flawed liberal-influenced justice system, implore Scooter Libby and Tom DeLay to immediately offer Iraq's newly elected officials world-class instruction on how Iraq can develop a society-stabilizing two-party system instead of Iraq's current inefficient multi-party system that is surely burdensome and overly confusing. Though these fine patriots may hesitate about trading their right to a trial for life in Iraq, assure them (privately of course) that their inevitable pardons will be so much more credible because of their sacrifice.

  • Make sure that the head of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, who served you so well in conceiving and planning the Iraq war, develops a globalization strategy for Iraq so that they, like us, can reap globalization's economic benefits, especially eliminating their dissident middle class for the simpler rich-poor system that you are brilliantly delivering to Americans.

  • Ask the many think tanks, trade associations, and companies that you have confidence in, such as the Heritage Foundation, the United States Chamber of Commerce, and Halliburton, to develop a set of policy initiatives for developing a sound corporate culture in Iraq that can support the new government over the long-term through effective campaign financing and lobbying.

  • Have our Department of Homeland Security provide ample technical support and policymaking advice so that Iraq can develop effective border controls to avoid the high price of uncontrolled illegal immigrants pouring in from neighboring Iran, Jordan and Syria to take advantage of the inevitable better job opportunities in the New Iraq.

  • Direct our Treasury Department to teach Iraqis the intricacies of debt-financing so that they, like us, are not hamstrung by limiting their spending by their revenues, thus obtaining high rates of economic growth and prosperity without fear of government borrowing (from China), tax cuts for the newly rich, and spending (on privatizing government through contractors).
  • Ensure that the new Iraqi government prevents their regional and local governments from making the mistake that so many of our misguided officials and citizens have made in blocking new and bigger Wal-Mart stores, without which poor (and soon to be poorer) Iraqi citizens (and illegal immigrants) will not be able to achieve a decent quality of life, not to mention good jobs.

As to my credentials as a true fiscal and social conservative, I am proud to say that I use my 13-year old made-in-America automobile as little as possible (less than 5,000 miles a year) to minimize my gasoline consumption, keep my home temperature at 60 degrees to minimize use of natural gas, have only two credit cards that I pay off fully on time to avoid all interest charges, have borrowed absolutely no money to avoid debt, diligently recycle all my paper, glass, plastic and metal household wastes, wish everyone a Happy Holiday and a Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah, and, like you, have not married someone of my own sex.

With every hope that you are as successful in exporting American democracy as you have been in stemming the tide of law-breaking illegal immigrants and potential terrorists across our borders,


Joel S. Hirschhorn

The author's new book, "Delusional Democracy -- Fixing the Republic Without Overthrowing the Government," will be published by Common Courage Press; his current book is "Sprawl Kills -- How Blandburbs Steal Your Time, Health and Money." He can be reached through

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