The Lighter Side
Galactic Government
By Jeff Zervas
Online Journal Contributing Writer


Apr 15, 2008, 00:12

These days it seems, almost everyone wants to nurse at the breast of big government. Even �right wingers,� �conservatives,� and Republicans have devolved so far towards socialism that they crave their security blankets just as their �opposites� cry for the nipple. Either way, nowadays big government is on the menu, front, back, up, down, right, left and center.

If big government is the antiflatulent of disorder, and if bigger is often better, let me propose Galactic Government. This seems appropriate since the universe, like a politician�s skull and nether parts, is a vast void partially filled with gases. Actually, for my tastes, the thought is as welcome as a bad case of lactose intolerance. But let�s toy with the idea, if not the mammary, at least before drinking to it!

I mean, why not?

I often claim that the world would be better off without the U.S. government. As with most useful and slightly unconventional ideas, that one�s tolerated like sour milk down the windpipe. That suggestion usually qualifies me as the beneficiary of some sort of pithy, insightful advice such as, �Get real.� If my evaluator is really incisive, and a deep thinker, I�m called a thumb-sucking commie or some other such creative adjective. Actually, I�ve never had �thumb-sucking� appended to �commie,� but it sounds good. I had to think that up my own self, for emphasis. And to stimulate ideational lactation.

In any case, no one should ever tell me to �get real� because that starts me thinking, and the ideas begin flowing like mother�s milk. Well, maybe at least like liebfruamilch. Or, as some would no doubt suggest, like a diaper�s contents.

Anyway, here�s my question. If big government is good, why isn�t bigger government better? If we need a national government, then why don�t we need a continental one? Or an inter-continental one? (I don't even want to begin thinking about an incontinental one!)

Anyway, why do we stop with the concept of a national government? Why not create a government that covers the whole continent? Why not the United Countries of North America? But why halt here? Why not the United Continents of the Western Hemisphere? What the heck, why be satisfied with that? How about a Planet Earth Governing Body? Or a Solar System one. Or a Milky Way government? Or something bigger and better?

We could call it the Universal Galactic Government. The possibilities, and everything else, are limitless. Every creature, great and small, the young as well as the old, Earthlings, Martians, and Plutonians would be suckled and shielded from cradle to grave. Even Cassiopeians, and those witless, though straight shooting, Sagittarians. No creature would ever have to work or find food, seek shelter, look both ways when crossing the stars, or even think. All our needs, wants, and desires would be effortlessly provided for. Milk chocolate bon-bons would outnumber the stars!

No one would have to grow up and take care of himself!

We would, one and all, be nurtured and protected by the great galactic government. All it'd have to do is tax the Universe and provide ice cream and butter for everyone!