The Lighter Side
Bush adopts �stick and lead carrot� approach on Iran
By Adam Blakeley
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Mar 23, 2007, 00:54

FORT MEADE, Md. (ABP) -- Speaking before members of the military on Wednesday, President George W. Bush outlined his new strategy for containing Iran�s nuclear ambitions. The details of the plan involve using repeated threats of military action against the Islamic Republic, in order to establish the grounds for multiparty talks aimed at expanding the threat of force.

�It�s just like Teddy Roosevelt said,� Bush told the soldiers at Fort Meade�s Boot Camp Orientation Day ceremonies. �You gotta use the stick, and then the carrot. But the carrot�s lead, you see? That�s the major thing. That�s called �diplomacy.��

The �lead carrot and stick� policy was reportedly the result of a compromise hammered out last weekend between Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. An anonymous Cheney aide involved in the discussions described the debate as �feisty but productive.�

�The pres . . . the vice president wanted to keep up the pressure on the Persian terrorist menace, while Condoleezza advocated surrendering to France. In the end, they reached an amicable agreement around the preside . . . around the vice president�s opinions,� the aide reported.

Addressing the recent U.N. Security Council resolutions imposing trade restrictions on Iran, the president emphasized the need for tougher sanctions. �You wanna . . . - it�s just necessary, you see? We must keep using the stick to force Mr. Achmanadinijihadi to the table. Iran must understand that there�s no future for a nucular Iran. They must stop enriching before we�ll talk.

�Then, when they give in, that�s when we hit �em with the carrot.�

As he has done on many previous occasions, Bush drew on previous conflicts to support his position. �We must learn from the lessons of the past. When Teddy Roosevelt fought the Nazis at Agincourt, you didn�t see him giving �em nukes.�

Former Nobel Peace Prize winner Henry Kissinger addressed the troops after the president�s speech, via tape delay from his private bunker complex under the Pentagon. �Wars don�t obey national borders. We must hit our enemies wherever they are, repeatedly and with lots of weapons. And there�s no better time to do that than when they�re sitting across the negotiating table from you.�

Standing behind the president during the speech were several noted Democratic members of Congress, including 2008 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. �I wholeheartedly support the president on Iran,� responded the exceedingly liberal Senator from New York. �But he must change course. As president, I would never rule out the use of sticks, vegetables, and other objects against Iran. Which is why we in the Democratic leadership must not interfere with this misguided, necessary plan of action.�

Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut, also in attendance, agreed. �Any non-binding resolution the House might consider would tragically bind the president�s hands and result in the swift and massive genocide of our brave American troops.�

Administration officials, noting the success of the administration�s �preemption� policy, estimated that the new Iran approach will result in the �total surrender� of the Democratic Party by November 2008.

Adam Blakeley writes humor, attempts at humor, quasi-Marxist rants, and other sentences from his home in New Jersey.  His website can be found at

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