The Lighter Side
The voice of the people
By Jack Doman
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Jan 10, 2007, 00:10

Following is the text of George W. Bush's Presidential Address to the Nation that he may or may not deliver, via television, on or about January 16, 2007.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

In last November�s mid-term elections, the American people expressed their profound disappointment in our policies regarding the Middle East, taxation, security, corporate powers and ethical reform. We took a thumping! The American people have made it clear that they want major changes! I come to you tonight to announce the sweeping reforms you demand.

Nowhere was the voter dissatisfaction more evident than regarding our policies in Iraq. As you know, I�ve been happy with �Stay the Course,� but, no, the American voters want a major change in policy. They are unhappy with the violence and lack of progress. They feel it�s an unjust war and that we�re in a quagmire. So, tonight I announce that we�ll be sending an additional 20,000 troops to Iraq effective immediately.

This is the policy change demanded by the voters. In our great democracy, it is essential that the elected leaders follow the overwhelming will of the people. And I pledge to continue to send in more and more troops until the American people are satisfied.

Where will these additional troops come from? Well, I�m glad I asked. We�re going to be pushing through more Free Trade Agreements and we�ll be burning the midnight oil trying to make the existing agreements even freer. This will send even more jobs overseas and the Army will be the only choice for more of the young and poor.

Voters are also unhappy with our policies on enemy combatant detention, torture and extraordinary rendition. This administration wants to abide by the will of our citizens. You want change, so we�ll give you change. We�ll be ramping up our detention facilities and installing more and more torture chambers. The people have spoken and we are going to work overtime at the water boards to take torture and detention to new heights.

Poll after poll shows that Americans are not happy with our reduction in college scholarships and loans. We hear you, America! You want us to change our policies, so we�ll be completely eliminating all federal grants and student loan programs. Let�s face it, kids, if your parents weren�t smart enough to save for your tuition, then you probably aren�t really college material any way. Or maybe they just don�t love you.

My administration has done it�s best to reduce taxes for the rich. With the recent election it is clear that you�re not happy with our efforts. Okay, America, you�re the boss! You�ve made it clear that you want major changes in our taxation policies. Therefore tonight I am repealing ALL federal taxes on anyone earning more than $200,000. Inheritance and capital gains tax rates are zero. Sounds pretty extreme? Well, sure, but it�s not my decision. We�re simply responding to the will of the voters. The people will not be denied!

The voters made it clear that they are unhappy with corporate influences in the administration. The voters want a more efficient, leaner government, so I have begun the process of privatizing all executive departments. The EPA is now a wholly owned subsidiary of Dow Chemical. A partnership of Lockheed-Martin and Halliburton has purchased the Defense Department. The Exxon/Mobile Department of Energy will be announcing drilling contracts for ANWR. FEMA will be operated by Motel 6; while the Justice Department is owned by an unnamed Eastern syndicate. I understand that these are drastic changes, but, hey, I�m just doing my job. These are the changes that the American people demanded in November.

The people want lobby reform. Well, privatizing the enforcement of laws to the companies that are governed by those laws just makes sense. It eliminates the need for lobbyists. Cut out the middleman!

Most Americans do not approve of our efforts to listen into phone conversations and read emails of people even mildly suspected of unacceptable activities. You want change? You got it. We will now extend our surveillance to every one, all the time.

Americans expressed grave concerns regarding our faith-based initiative and the separation of church and state. Okay. We�ll make the sweeping changes you demand. I�ve decided to eliminate the entire judicial branch. In the future, all moral and legal decisions will be made by Jerry Falwell. I mean, who better than God to make ethical decisions and who better than Jerry Falwell to interpret Him?

It is the government�s responsibility to serve the people. The people want change and we�re here to serve. I was happy with judges and courts, but I�m flexible. I can change. If Americans want our Christian leaders to enforce and decide our laws, then who am I to stand in their way?

Oh, and the people have decided that Jenna and Barbara are now Supreme Dictators of Guam and Puerto Rico, respectively. And I am now President for Life.

Good night and God Bless America.

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