The Lighter Side
Satire? Or maybe not
By Adam Blakeley
Online Journal Contributing Writer


Oct 28, 2005, 14:30

Mr. President George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Dear Leader:

In response to yesterday's announcement by Ms. Miers, I am writing this letter to put my name in the hat to be your next nominee for Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. By way of copying this letter to my current boss, I hereby resign my current position of paralegal in order to devote my energies full-time to preparing for my confirmation hearings.

I am at least as well qualified for the job as Ms. Miers, or indeed any federal appointment you have made in the past five glorious years. I have been involved in the legal system my entire life, ever since being conceived in a �63 Jaguar which was at that time the subject of a legal dispute over a dented bumper. I was also the inspiration for Drew Barrymore�s character in �Irreconcilable Differences,� except that I always considered divorce to be against the Lord�s will and never encouraged it. You know how those liberal Hollywood elites can twist the facts! Although I have never been the commissioner of any state�s Lottery Commission, I sometimes play the lottery, and once won $10 on a scratch-off. Furthermore, while I did not finish law school, I also didn�t attend Southern Methodist.

More than once you have indicated that you wish to appoint justices in the mode of Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia. Mr. President, I could be the lovechild of Justices Thomas and Scalia, if they weren�t the fine Christian heterosexual men they are. Like Justice Thomas testified at his confirmation hearings, I have never expressed any opinion whatsoever about Roe v. Wade. In fact, I have never analyzed, considered, written about, or discussed any part of the Constitution whatsoever; I failed my Constitutional Law class in college for this very reason. And like Justice Scalia, I also know that I am the smartest man in any room.

In summation, Mr. President, and while I am not under oath, I would like to say that I voted for you twice, and be assured that in 2008 I will be ready to vote for you again when your case contesting the two-term thing shows up on the docket. (That Amendment was clearly unconstitutional.) Like Ms. Miers, I also I think you�re the bestest president ever! In fact, I think you�re the bestest human being ever, with the exception of Jesus Christ, on whose teachings our Constitution is explictly based. I know you are worried about getting your next nominee through the Senate confirmation hearing. Be assured, like Justice Roberts, I can be very, very modest when cameras are present. Also, to illustrate his point about judges being umpires, I was thinking I could wear a face mask at my Senate hearings. Just a thought.

Thank you for your time, I expect to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,