The Lighter Side
By Jack Doman
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Oct 27, 2006, 00:37

October 30, 2006: Republican National Committee Headquarters. A backroom. The elite Republican leadership gathers round a mahogany conference desk. The mood is especially somber, but this meeting starts like all the rest.

CHENEY: Shut up!

NORQUIST: Thanks, Dick. Well, there�s really only one thing on the agenda. How are we going to spin the results of this mid-term election?

NOVAK: Right, Grover, we�ll need a real disaster recovery plan. Especially in Congress. We could lose 25 seats! We�ll need just the right spin to explain this big loss.

BOLTEN: No, Bob. We need to explain the big WIN.

W: Hey! No sarcasm. Sarcasm confuses me.

Cheney: Shut up, George.

NORQUIST: Josh wasn�t being sarcastic, Mr. President. We WILL win big. We�ll win as many congressional seats as we want. It�s all thanks to the Help America Vote Act.

MEHLMAN: Gotta love that name! Help America Vote! �Yeah, America, we�ll help you vote. In fact . . ."

A half dozen join in the apparently familiar refrain: �We�ll even do the voting for you!!�

All chuckle. Mr. Karl Rove sits, disturbingly still.

NORQUIST: Yes. The HAVA effectively mandates that all districts buy voting machines from our friends at Dieblold, Sequoia and ES&S. Party loyalists all. We own the programs and we own the programmers. We�ve already determined the results in every precinct. And without any paper records, they can�t even call for a recount! It really was a brilliant plan, Ralph.

REED:  Thanks, Grover. The only problem is explaining the results. We don�t control all of the pollsters . . .

RUMSFELD: Not yet.

REED: So, we need to supply the pundits with some way to explain why the election results are so grossly contrary to the exit polls. The game plan is that we choose some group of single-issue voters and claim that their participation in unheard of numbers caused the upset. Then we saturate the news shows with everyone giving the same explanation and it becomes a fact. And we smear the patriotism of anyone who questions the election.

W: Well, I think we . . .

CHENEY: George.

NORQUIST: In 2004 we picked the Evangelical Christians. All our pundits claimed that the Republican �win� was due to the huge turnout and one-sided support of the Christian Right. It had nothing to do with miscounted votes, poll challenges, and inadequate voting machines in Democratic districts. The Evangelical explanation worked like a charm, but only because it was believable. We�ve got to find some voting group with a plausible reason to come out in droves for us this time. Now, what group can we claim really supports us?

O�REILLY: What about the Security Moms?

NORQUIST: No good. They�re on to us. Katrina didn�t help there. They know we aren�t prepared to protect anyone. And now there�s the report that the Iraq war has made us even less safe, and that�s according to our own intelligence agencies.

CHENEY: Yeah. But who believes THEM?!?!

All laugh. Except Mr. Karl Rove.

W: What about librarians? My wife�s a librarian.

CHENEY: That�s it. Get him out of here.

Snow and Mehlman each take an arm and escort the president out of the room. He goes quietly.

NOVAK: Can�t the Evangelicals do it again?

NORQUIST: Calling them �nuts� and �goofs� didn�t help.

BOLTEN: Sorry about that.

NORQUIST: Most are upset that we haven�t done anything about gay marriage after making such a big deal about it during last election. Some are splitting off and going �green� on us. They�re blaming us for gutting the EPA and rolling back environmental protections. Even Pat Robertson wants to reduce carbon emissions after talking with Al Gore.

RUMSFELD: F%(#in� Gore!

DOBSON: Now, there is one group within the Evangelicals that might work. A growing number of them support us, but for a new reason. They�ve decided that continuing to conduct foreign policy this way will hasten the Final World War and bring on Armageddon and the Rapture.


SNOW: That�s gonna be a tough spin.

NORQUIST: Let�s mark the End of Days group as a �possible.�

GIGOT: What about all of the people who have benefited by the tax cuts?

SNOW (laughing): Paul, I know where you�re from that would seem like a lot of people. But the number of people who get more money due to our tax cuts only amounts to about 2 percent of the entire population. They�re good for campaign contributions and bribes, but we really can�t use them to explain much of a margin in a popular vote.

HANNITY: What about veterans?

BOLTEN: I don�t think so. They know how poorly we�ve equipped the troops. The latest official estimate is that we won�t begin to withdraw from Iraq until 2010. The VA hospital system is over crowded with Iraq war vets with physical and emotional disabilities. I don�t think we can use the veterans.

LIMBAUGH: Can�t we claim that our conservative base stepped up?

NORQUIST: Record Federal spending. The deficit. Nothing accomplished on immigration.

COULTER: I�ve got it! The Moral Majority!

REED:  The Foley cover-up is still hurting us. They�re calling for Hastert�s head! Then we have Abramoff, Ney, Daley, Cunningham, and now Weldon. Throw in 650,000 dead in Iraq and we don�t really have much of a claim on �morality� right now.

CHENEY: I am starting to get pissed.

NORQUIST: Come on, people! There�s got to be SOME group that might support our Republican congressmen.

MR. KARL ROVE (quietly):            Wait a minute.

All fall silent.

November 7, 2006
FOX News
You Decide 2006: Special Election Night Edition.

NEWSCASTER: Recapping tonight�s top story, �unexpected� falls far short in describing the mid-term election results! Though behind by over 2 to 1 in every poll for the past week and the exit polls today, the Republican Party actually GAINED three Senate seats and at least 14 seats in Congress. Even the Republican candidate in Mark Foley�s district, what�s his name, got elected! How did they do it? Election analysts are in agreement. This startling turnaround was due to the strong turnout and energized participation of an unknown, but it turns out very powerful, block of voters.

PUNDIT: Yes. Who knew the election would swing on such a strong showing by the Gay Pedophile vote? They really turned out in droves for the Republicans!

NEWSCASTER: Shocked me. Next up: our continuing coverage of the Jon Bonet-Ramsey murder. Tonight: �Was it really Bill Clinton all along?� Stay tuned.

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