Revenge of the Jedi Bag Lady
By Mickey Z.
Online Journal Contributing Writer
Oct 4, 2006, 02:23
Communists are long
out of vogue, welfare moms are so 1995, and Osama has taken the reclusive
shtick a little too far for our short attention spans. My fellow Americans, we
obviously, desperately need a new super-villain to fear, a new reason to circle
the wagons, surrender our rights, and embrace a lifetime of Code Orange.
Well, hold on to
your yellow ribbons, put down your cell phones, and take a good look at what
the Federal Bureau of Investigation has just dropped on our collective
doorstep: a 95-pound, 51-year-old homeless Iranian widow with severe digestive
problems (from Queens, no less). Armed only with a tattered coffee cup, a
shopping cart overflowing with newspapers, and a name that will make Hollywood
drool. Say hello to our latest national nightmare: Zeinab Taleb-Jedi.
Don't let those
dirt-infested shopping bags fool you. Pay no mind to those swollen feet or that
malodorous haze. Two informers have sworn that our homeless Jedi was indeed a
member of the leadership council of the Iranian resistance group, People's
Mujahedeen, described by the Associated Press as a "heavily armed,
Iraq-based terrorist organization."
Our queasy Jedi,
the informers say, was "responsible for making leadership decisions for
the organizations, including approving specific acts of terrorism." No
word yet on how an infirm homeless woman no bigger than a sixth grader managed
to handle such demonic duties but we should never underestimate the craftiness
of a terrorist named Jedi.
Besides, I don't
know about you, but I'm thinking "summer blockbuster" here. Someone
get Bruce Willis' agent on the phone because this might be his most formidable
opponent yet: a pint sized femme fatale with acid stomach . . . and, of course,
The Force on her side.
The New York Times
reported that Ms. Taleb-Jedi is an American citizen who "came to the
United States in 1978 to work on her master's degree in political science in
Atlanta." (Note to screenwriters: possible CNN/Ted Turner angle here).
Taleb-Jedi eventually lived for a short time in Lenox Hill Neighborhood House's
Park Avenue Armory Women's Shelter in Manhattan, a facility
designed to house older women with mental health disorders. However, beneath that
ingenious fa�ade of fragility, all the while she was seeking "the violent
overthrow of the Iranian government."
Taleb-Jedi's unpatriotic lawyer, Justine Harris, says her client is merely
"a middle-age woman with absolutely no record." Nice try, Justine.
Tell it to Al-Jazeera. The next you know, she'll be saying Saddam didn't have
weapons of mass destruction. Some folks just can't stop blaming America first
and it's people like her that force our poor democracy-loving leaders to use
If Jedi's lawyer
wants to know why a frail, middle-age, homeless widow would resort to a life of
terror, she need only recall the words of President George W. Bush who, in
2002, spoke eloquently about "a group of killers, people who hate."
The commander-in-chief went on to explain that this group of killers really
hates "the idea that somebody can go buy a home."
As they say in
South Florida: Bingo.
The next time you
step over a homeless person or switch subway cars to avoid having to smell one,
stay vigilant. You don't want to fall victim to the Revenge of the Jedi Bag
Mickey Z. can be found on the Web at http://www.mickeyz.net.
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