The Lighter Side
Professionalism on the march
By Frank Fuller
Online Journal Contributing Writer

Sep 26, 2006, 00:41

Professionalism is on the march here in Kartoon Kountry. Our leader informed us of this recently by mentioning repeatedly all the professionals who are toiling under vague guidelines in all parts of the world. For them to be effective professionals, they need to know clearly what the law is.

Calling them professionals should have made everyone in Kartoon Kountry very proud. Other countries still use amateurs, so we are the world leader in this field. We can only hope, as our leader suggested, that other countries adopt this professionalism, because that is the road to peace.

So Congress is now hard at work on this issue. But as is always the case, the march of professionalism might be slowed a bit by Congress. However, it's not for the usual reason: the traitorous behavior of the disloyal opposition.

Many may remember how in the past, these traitors have opposed tax cuts for the rich that jump-started the economy; then more tax cuts for the rich, which got the economy humming; then elimination of the death tax, which will keep the economy humming if and when it passes; and then one final round of tax cuts for the wealthy just for the heck of it. Everyone in Kartoon Kountry expected these traitors to slow the march of professionalism just as they slowed down action on the above-mentioned tax cuts.

Unfortunately, those aren't the people holding back the forward march of professionalism. Instead, it's the president's traitorous supporters, who, if they do not lose their next election, will certainly suffer in a special section of the fires of eternity that are reserved for all those who irritate the leader enough to keep him from getting a good night's rest.

It should be obvious to everyone by now that professionalism and torture go hand in hand in a peaceful Kartoon Kountry. Torture has a bad rep only because it has been practiced by amateurs ever since it was first used. Everyone knows amateurs have no standards. This is the leader's point. For centuries, these amateurs would pull out a few teeth, get a question answered, and then go home. They thought that's all they had to do.

But a professional knows that things aren't over just because you get an answer. You have to make sure it's a true answer. Plus you have to make sure that what you do is perfectly legal. And if it isn't legal, you have to cover your butt so you don't get in trouble.

That covering of the butt is what is actually keeping us from winning many of our current wars, and that is why our leader wants professionalism in this field. Professionals spend less time covering their butts than amateurs, so they have more time to torture. And that is the way to victory.

Professionalism, after all, means clear standards that are always legal, even when there are too many lawyers arguing that very legality. It also means that professionals can get together to discuss the legalities of what they do as well as the ethics. They will also be able to sign up for seminars and continuing education classes that will make them even more efficient. Journals will spring up to address the unique needs of their profession, and ads in these journals will feature all the newest tools available, as well as out-of-the-way places they can take high-value prisoners, no questions asked.

This is professionalism on the march. It's as exciting, and just as important, as freedom on the march.

Other important benefits of having professionals do this work include the following.

First, insurance will be available. Everyone knows you can't be a professional without insurance. When accidents happen to amateurs, everyone thinks, "That was an accident waiting to happen." But not so with professionals. The clarity of their guidelines and procedures -- the very thing our leader wants -- keeps accidents to a minimum. This includes the very rare mistake of torturing the innocent person, who then experiences dizziness or develops an annoying limp or blurred vision, incontinence, sexual dysfunction, insomnia, uncontrollable anxiety, unemployability, limb loss, etc. With professionalism on the march, insurance is available, so that person -- if truly innocent (which is unlikely given the professionalism of our team) -- can sue and collect damages and basically be made whole again. This, of course, is the essence of professionalism: Insurance companies working with our professionals to make Kartoon Kountry safer.

Second, personal hygiene will be more important in interrogations. Insurance will require this because, when someone is being humiliated or otherwise degraded, they often suffer cuts and bruises. In the past, these interrogations took place in rooms covered with feces and body parts and were performed by amateurs who didn't have an insurance company to explain the relationship between good hygiene and infections. Today, insurance companies, to limit their payouts, will require that our professionals wash their hands, sterilize their equipment on a regular basis, and keep their interrogation rooms clean.

Third, medical personnel will be widely available during interrogations. They will monitor the condition of the torturees to assure that they remain in fairly good condition. This could have a huge benefit for our side, because torturees could conceivably leave their imprisonment in better health than when they arrived. If that happens, they might overlook some of the assaults they suffered upon their persons and dignity and actually like us more.

Fourth, things will be much better scheduled. Torturees won't have to spend months or years waiting to see what becomes of them. They'll be told to confess by, say, 10 am tomorrow or they'll be really sorry. Then when 10 am arrives, if they haven't confessed, the very well-defined and perfectly legal alternative procedures will begin. But there will be an end in sight. Our new class of torturers, like professionals everywhere, are busy people and cannot spend all day with just one or two evildoers. There are too many evildoers out there. So the professional will roll up his sleeves, do everything he can with the evildoer in front of him, and then, when it's over, move on to the next evildoer.

Finally, professionals are much better conversationalists than amateurs. They are better listeners, too. Torturees can, therefore, expect more empathy as they experience these alternative procedures. And when they talk, the professional will be there to listen compassionately.

All this because professionalism is now on the march. This is truly an exciting time to be alive. More professionals working to make the world safe can only be a good thing.

In Kartoon Kountry, all patriots support this. Those who don't can expect a knock on the door.

Frank Fuller is a freelance writer in Minnesota who co-authored with Susan Fuller the satire �Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual.� More information on it is available at

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