The Lighter Side
Executive Order: The Frozen Embryo Bill of Rights
By Frank and Susan Fuller
Online Journal Contributing Writers

Jul 27, 2006, 00:51

By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution, the Creator and the laws of the United States of America, and in order to make the Homeland stronger and more perfect, the following rights are hereby ordered to apply to all Frozen Embryos from now until it is determined that they are former embryos.

(1) Frozen Embryos are living sentient human beings who only want to grow up like everyone and have the opportunity to remain chaste until marriage and then vote Republican.

(2) The term �Frozen Embryo� is an inapt and cold term that doesn't capture the essential humanity of these viable, living human beings, truly our most vulnerable citizens. Therefore, as a sign of the Homeland's compassion, all Frozen Embryos will henceforth be called Homeless Embryos.

(3) A decent Homeland does not create Homeless Embryos simply to take their precious stem cells. Therefore, no one shall take the stem cells of a Homeless Embryo without the informed written consent of said living sentient human being. If said living sentient human being is unable to state its wishes clearly, it shall be allowed to keep all its stem cells until it is old enough to give informed consent as to the harvesting of said stem cells.

(4) A compassionate and decent Homeland does not just discard its homeless citizens because they are homeless. Its decency is measured by its ability to find housing and shelter as soon as possible for all its homeless citizens. Therefore Homeless Embryos shall have the right to live wherever they choose, even if it is within the body of an unwilling hostess.

(5) For too long, unsound science has stated that time stops for these embryos as long as they remain housed in a freezer kept at subzero temperatures. Sound science has now proven that to be a cold calculation as well as a falsehood. Sound scientists, working for decency, have proven that with the passage of time these Homeless Embryos become increasingly eager to find adequate housing. Therefore all childless couples must come forward and be implanted with a Homeless Embryo so said sentient human being and its stem cells can have a good home and become a former embryo with all the opportunities listed in article (1).

(6) Those childless adults who don't come forward can be sued for nonsupport by Homeless Embryos once they have grown up.

(7) Once implanted the hostess body will be servant to said viable living human being. It must nourish and take care of said viable living human being and not expose the Homeless Embryo to any vice, toxins, drugs, alcohol, heavy metal music, bad thoughts, unrestrained sexual activity, big words, liberalism, college professors or other known dangers. In addition, said hostess must follow a proper diet that avoids veganism, French foods, French cheeses, and organic foods, especially organic meats that don't benefit the Homeland's major food industries.

(8) Homeless Embryos, like the Homeless everywhere, shall have the right to vote. Lack of an address is not by itself an adequate cause for the denial of voting rights. If any individual Homeless Embryo is unable to adequately convey its voting wishes, a representative shall be appointed by the President to determine said viable sentient human being's wishes and carry them out.

(9) Any rights not specifically outlined here that are generally given to and enjoyed by former embryos are hereby given to all Homeless Embryos, except those rights which are found to be dangerous by a group of fair and balanced journalists.

Frank and Susan Fuller are co-authors of �The Department of Homeland Decency: Decency Rules and Regulations Manual.� Ordering information can be found at

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