I confess. I've seen the light. Thanks to the US Freedom of Information Act, we finally get to know details of the malevolent human beings detained at Guantanamo. I've read the Military Tribunal's transcripts and I'm convinced that those men in jumpsuits are better locked up in perpetuity. After all, the future of the universe is at stake, not to mention the family pet.

Take the man from Kazakhstan, who traveled to Kabul in September 2000 with his grandmother and nine siblings and ended up in the highly suspicious vocation of vegetable growing.

"What kind of vegetables did you grow?" asked the Tribunal. "Green peppers, tomatoes, green beans and some potatoes," was the response. How dastardly! Who knows what kind of bio pollutants could have been disseminated throughout the planet if the man hadn't been dragged from his home.

A far more dangerous individual is Mazin whose name showed up on a computer said to be owned by a member of Al Qaida. But wait. The name in the computer wasn't Mazin but Salah and a telephone number ascribed to Salah wasn't Mazin's.

What's in a name after all and especially when Mazin "had in his possession a Casio watch Model F-91W, of a type which had been used in bombings linked to al Qaida?" As Mazin's personal representative pointed out, "millions and millions of people have this type of Casio watch".

Haji, an illiterate Afghan bus driver says he was awoken by the sounds of firepower. In the belief his home was being targeted by thieves, he fired three shots into the air so as to scare them off. In response a US plane bombed the courtyard of his house, which left him with a head wound.

The next morning, he says, Americans came offering medical assistance, promising his father they would bring him home after treatment. He says he has lived in the same house in the same village throughout his life, was known by all and sundry as the village bus driver and had been happy that the Americans came to free his country from the Taliban.

"Why am I here," he asks plaintively. We know why. The man is obviously an undercover bin Laden emissary, hired to drive poisoned vegetables and suspicious watches into US bases.

Another Afghan, unable to write his own name, said he was ready "to swear 20 times that he was innocent" of any involvement with al Qaida but did admit to owing someone Rs200,000. He was considered a threat because of his lack of hearing and a "drab olive green" jacket he was wearing.

When his personal representative was asked whether the detainee owned any possessions, he answered, "two donkeys." Ah! Here we have it. We've all heard about the exploding donkeys, used in Iraq, haven't we?

These were obviously the prototypes. And we must not forget the Afghan detainee who is unable to walk due to a stroke he suffered more than 15 years ago. He was arrested when he went to the Americans to enquire about his missing son.

Testimony

In testimony provided to the tribunal, his son states: "My father is a sick, old man who cannot even move around. The only times he goes out is to see the doctor." As we all know, you don't need to walk to be capable of being a fiendish terrorist mastermind. After all Abu Muzab Al Zarqawi, who is variously reported as being either one-legged or dead, is personally responsible for Iraq teetering on the brink of civil war.

Other nefarious terrorist criminals include a tent-dweller picked up with his brother while they were searching for their herd of goats. He was accused of taking pictures of US soldiers but he says he doesn't even know what a "camera" is. A likely story!

In short, the Pentagon should be congratulated for keeping us safe from the machinations of veggie-growing, bus-driving, watch-wearing, donkey herding, wheel-chair bound illiterates out to fly airplanes into tall Western buildings they've never even heard of or bent on garnering recruits for a bearded millionaire troglodyte.

The US should also be hailed for sticking to its overseas incarceration policies in the face of so much stubborn opposition from such do-gooders as UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, a host of well-meaning human rights agencies and the British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw, who insists on referring to Gitmo as "a gulag".

Let's face it, if the US government harboured malicious intentions then 105-year-old, partially deaf and senile Faiz Mohammad would never have been released "babbling at times like a child," according to the New York Times. Probably an act to cover up a wealth of intelligence that if tapped could save us from Armageddon.

One can only wonder at the Pentagon's reluctance to thrust the Tribunal's transcripts into the public domain. If it wasn't for the issuance of a court order under the US Freedom of Information Act, we would never know who the enemies really are. Thank you Mr Rumsfeld! You and your CIA colleagues do us proud in our brave new world.

So sign me up Fox News. I'm all yours.