Quick, lock the doors, pull down the shades, turn off the lights and put on your tinfoil hats before They get you.

Who are They? Haven’t you been listening to the “birthers,” the “deathers,” the “true patriots” of the right and now Catholic League President Bill Donohue?

Pay attention, ladies and gentlemen. We have been taken over by that Kenyan-born, Muslim, communist, socialist, Nazi who occupies the White House and his minions who have already published “The Death Book” -- the one that tells severely injured American troops to commit suicide -- and who soon will be running the “Death Panels” that will do away with Granny and Gramps.

Have you been ignoring the warnings of Sarah Palin, John McCain and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, not to mention Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and their fellow travelers? And Huckabee, who castigated Democrats for trying to link the late Senator Edward Kennedy to passage of real health care reform, said that under President Obama’s health care plan, the cancer-stricken Kennedy would have been told to “go home to take pain pills and die.”

If that’s no scary enough, Catholic League President Bill Donohue said Monday on Fox & Friends that “militant, dogmatic” atheists (OMG) are “out to get Catholics.”

Said Donohue, “I’m talking about the extremists within [liberal] ranks who have become very, very vocal. And over the last several decades what we’ve seen is an all-out assault. This kind of new atheism. This militant dogmatic fundamentalist atheism out there to get us.”

He added, “And not just atheists -- I’m talking about people who are disaffected Catholics and Protestants who are mutineers within their own religion, trying to change things.” Gee, he left out Muslims, “self-hating Jews” and anti-Semites. Might he only be worried about atheists and “disaffected” Christians?

Ironically, he had something good to say about Marxists -- well sorta: “Whatever you might say about the Marxists, they wanted to tear down society to put something new in. But the new radicals are the nihilists, all they want to do is tear down the cultural edifice of American society. They are intellectually spent, they have nothing to offer.” By the way, “intellectually spent” means people who dare to think and reason.

It gets nuttier by the day with “Joe the Plumber” wanting to take House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to the woodshed for a whipping; Huckabee, on a recent Hardball, twice calling for Obama to show his “gift certificate,” until he realized his mistake and corrected it to “birth certificate.” We’ve seen the birth certificate -- it’s online -- but maybe Huckabee knows something we don’t about a gift certificate. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, eh?

Obama, show us your gift certificate! We may have to demand an FBI investigation into the who, what, why, where and when of this nefarious gift certificate. Worse, Orly Taitz or Phil Berg may have to file more lawsuits to make you produce it. We cannot have a president with a gift certificate that no one has seen! Nowhere in the US Constitution does a president have the power to hide his gift certificates.

When Huckabee isn’t worrying about gift certificates -- er, birth certificates -- and death panels, he’s dabbling in foreign policy. To be precise, pulling the rug out from under the Onion.

How so? you ask. Well, you probably didn’t hear this on the nightly news, but while on a three-day junket to Israel last month, hosted by a group of religious nationalists (the pro-settler Jerusalem Reclamation Project), he told reporters, according to Haaretz.com, that “establishing a Palestinian state in ‘the middle of the Jewish homeland’ would be ‘unrealistic.’”

He told the Jerusalem Post, “’The question is, should the Palestinians have a place to call their own?’ he asked. ‘Yes, I have no problem with that. Should it be in the middle of the Jewish homeland? That’s what I think has to be honestly assessed as virtually unrealistic.’”

So evangelical South Baptist preacher, governor and former 2008 candidate for the GOP presidential nomination, Huckabee, says no one should tell Israelis where they can live, but it’s okay to tell Palestinians they should live somewhere else.

How about this as a solution to “the Palestinian problem”: What say we give Arkansas to the Palestinians? It’s a beautiful state. Resource rich, unlike the rubble and hardscrabble Palestinians now endure. It’s 53,152 square miles in size, compared to the 2,324 and shrinking square miles of Palestine.

Of course, that won’t make Arkansans happy, but they could move, if they so desired, to Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana or wherever else they chose. Arkansans could take their displeasure up with Huckabee. They elected him.

Is this idea any crazier than the daily dose of right-wing fear mongering that causes people to act against their self-interests for the benefit of the corporate and extremist religious establishments?