To the People of Iraq: Now I get it. This war is all your fault.

Darn you. We had a perfectly good invasion and occupation going until you had to ruin it with your sectarian violence and civil war. How dare you react to our bombings, shootings, torture and imprisonment with mayhem and carnage of your own? How boorishly uncivilized.

And after all we’ve done. Haven’t we restored electricity to about four hours a day? So what if you’re afraid to send your kids to school? Haven’t you heard of home tutoring? So your country’s being occupied by the biggest, most powerful military in the history of the planet? You should feel honored to be the object of our well-meaning, noble intentions. So we’ve released anarchy and chaos. So you’ve lost a few family members. So your streets are becoming lawless and impassable. So you’re afraid to go shopping for fear of being blown to bits. For God sakes people, as Donald Rumsfeld would say -- pull your socks up!

You must understand, good citizens, I’ve seen the light. It’s not our ill-conceived, immoral, illegal invasion and occupation of your country causing the problems. It’s you. After hearing politicians (on both sides of the aisle) and our wonderful media constantly repeating this new mantra, I now understand this war is all about your faults and shortcomings. As Condi Rice stated not so long ago, stamping her Manolo Blahniks in displeasure, “We’re running out of patience.” And who can blame her? After all, we came to Iraq (uninvited, but who’s counting), wrote you a new set of laws, bestowed on you those whom we wish to govern your country, taken control of your natural resources, assassinated your leader, even designed you a new flag. If that’s not democracy, what is?

So what if in every poll taken, the vast majority of you want us out, we’re not leaving until we deem you fully, unequivocably, thoroughly, without the slightest doubt, loving every minute of it, certifiably . . . f-r-e-e. In other words, you’re getting our democracy whether you want it or not. And if you don’t like it, if you think you might have better ideas, if you voice just the slightest, teensy, softest objection to our little plan, there’s a place called Abu Ghraib that will be happy to set you straight.

So please, good people of Iraq, please cooperate with our noble mission. We only want what’s best for you. Honest.